A really bad headache

That day, I had a really bad headache. You know the kind, or maybe you don't. The kind that make you sick to your stomach, that make you not be able to think straight. I had that kind of headache. In fact, when it was all over, the first thing I did was throw up, but I am not sure if it was because of the headache or because you left.

But what I should have said is "Please, don't go."

I thought I had my life under control. You know the kind of person that is always in charge, always in control, never wanting to show weakness. I have my kids, my education, my place to live. I have my life under control. An example of strength and perseverance.

But what I should have said is "My life could never be complete with out you. Please, don't go"

Now I sit here and wonder about you. You know the kind of questions that may never be answered. I replay those last moments, the words you said, the time we had. I read the letter you wrote me. And I wonder why I didn't see it coming, why I didn't know you were leaving.

But what I should have said is "We can get through this too. Please, don't go"


I didn't say any of these things. You know the life I live, filled with loss and sadness. I sit alone knowing I could never forgive, never forget what you did. How you gave up. How you quit when we were so close to winning. Knowing that I can never touch you, hold you, tell you how much I love you or how shattered my heart is.

But what I should have said is "Please, don't go"

If only I hadn't had that really bad headache. Maybe then, I could have fought for us. Maybe then, my life would be perfect again.

Instead, I sit here wishing I had said "Please, don't go"

Beauty and Betrayal

It's been a long time since I've been here, I miss it. I think I'm going to try to do this more. I don't have much to say tonight, just a poem to share.


I called out your name
Trusting you would heal this pain,
Believing you would make it right
Loving you at very first sight.

I figured out early you didn't love me
I knew from the start flaws were all you see.
But for your love I constantly tried,
Even when it meant I lived a lie.

I gave away the one thing you wanted most
But that was when I needed you to hold me close.
My choice was impossible for you to comprehend
This one time your principles I needed to bend.
But instead you grew to hate my very being
Your heart turned cold and you stopped believing.

When I begged you to see who I really am
You realized you loved only him.
In your heart there was limited space
and how quickly you let him take my place.

So now its time to let you go
your hateful words, this lying show
Goodbye, farewell, so long for now,
maybe I'll earn your respect some day, somehow.

Failure

In the process of the day, I thought a lot about life and finishing things you start.

Growing up, I heard a lot about how stubborn I was. And it was never said in a good way. Just the word stubborn itself has such a negative connotation. As an adult, I've had many conversation about how I'm such a "black sheep" because I always have done things outside the accepted societal norms. Even when its ended very badly for me, I've followed my convictions and saw things through to the end. And taken a lot of criticism for it.

I could never understand why people think it is such a bad thing to fail. Why does failing have such a bad reputation. If you failed, at least that means your trying. Success is the product of failing enough times you finally get it right. Here are some examples from my life (Warning - these are extremely personal and gut wrenching to share - but blogs are supposed to be therapeutic, right?):

My son's biological father, Andrew, was here on a tourist visa, that I paid for. He was way younger then me, very immature and in a bad situation in life. I gave him everything, financially and emotionally. And then I gave up. It got hard, and I failed him. And maybe I failed Noah. But because of that failure, I grew as a person, as a mom, and as a significant other. Out of that failure, I learned and grew in ways I couldn't have even imagined.

I spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars moving to Denver and going to school to be a court reporter. I spent a year and a half in court reporting school, and ultimately, I failed. I failed, I quit, and I ended up back in Casper. Because of that failure, I realized that I needed to follow my heart and do what Ive always wanted to do. I went back to school and will be receiving a Bachelor's Degree in 4 days. That failure is why I succeed.

Failure is only a stepping stone. Failure is a stepping stone to better, to effort, to success.

On that note, seeing things through, committing to your convictions, and not giving up is the difference between being successful or being a true failure.

So here is my latest completion. Something I saw through and finished. Maybe not life changing or anything, but a realization that finishing something you start feels so incredibly good.

Snow drifts the size of her head!

Yesterday, our adventures led us to the other side of the mountain. We thought we would go mush around in the mud and trees and commune with nature for the afternoon. My family collectively owns a small piece of property with a modest cabin on the other side of the mountain and I know the area well, so it made sense that to go to the other side of the mountain, we should go somewhere that we wont get lost and eaten by imaginary bears. However, we seemed to have forgotten that we live in Wyoming, and it's a mountain.

So what does all that mean: 27 foot snow drifts. A meadow so covered in snow that we could run and jump over the small trees.

Made snow angels

Had long jump contests


It was a blasty blast.

Time flies when tragedy strikes

I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since I have written here. Professional blogger I am not.
A lot has happened over the last two months. Many sad and tough things. But that's not what you are reading for, so let me tell you about the good things that have happened over the last two months.

::::The world kept spinning and the sun is still shining.

::::The snow has fallen and is now melting, leading way for the buds to begin to bloom and the first hints of summer to appear.

::::School is winding down and the final plays, projects, concerts and track day have begun. The kids start laughing more and talking faster.

::::Jobs open tomorrow for the school district and my applications are ready to go out first thing in the morning. $$$


I've worried about school ending and no longer have anything to focus my anal physco control freak nature on. I've wondered what I am supposed to do and how to fill my time - I know a huge burden to bear right?

I would love suggestions of new things to try or comments about the things I do try to do!



So for my first entry -

The Science Zone.


The Science Zone has moved since the last time I had taken the kids there and was supposed to be much better then the last. We went and the kids did seem to have fun, but my review of it was: I liked the old building better. Here are some pictures of the first adventure.

The Ocean

This is My Writing and My Pictures, please respect both by not reproducing them.


Drowning, Sinking, lost at the bottom of the Sea

Crying out for someone, anyone to help me.

Feeling the fight drain out of my soul,
knowing the darkness is now taking hold.

Looking back on my life as the last light fades
Wondering which choice was the fatal mistake I made.
Perhaps it was plastering on that perfect smile,
To hide the tears that could have gone on for miles.
Maybe it was faking it, saying I'm alright
When I knew that inside I was losing the fight.

Was it because no one knew that the pain was too real?
Was it because I could never say I how I feel?
Was it because they didn't know I was ready to give in,
Surrender my soul and let the darkness win?


If I had told them, would I not be lying here dying?
Or would they have laughed and thought that I'm lying?
And then I remember for help I did cry,
They didn't care so I lived their lie.

Now, at the bottom of the ocean I lay crying,
But at least here there is no reason for hiding.

The power of perception, suggestion and other mindless matters

WARNING: This blog is incredibly random. Read at your own peril. And because of its randomness - I've decide to share the most random pictures that I can find that have nothing to do with the content of the blog. Enjoy - maybe.


I haven't had much time to blog lately, life seems to happen around me even when I beg it to slow down. But lately, I have been thinking a lot about some really deep issues. Things like:

(A rooster at the ranch)

How do you determine when the quality of life is no longer there?

How do you ask someone if they want to die or keep living in pain?

Should you live somewhere because its comfortable and safe, or take a chance on something new when it could turn out to be a nightmare?

(My classroom that I taught at in Denver)

How do you get homework done when the kids need attention and the house needs cleaned?

What do you do when you've taken out thousands in loans and arent even sure you'll have a job at the end of it?

Is God really even listening to me?

Am I alone in this life? Will I always been alone in this life?

(Laramie Peak from I-25)

Do you go to hell if you doubt His existence half the time?

How in the WORLD do people quit smoking? And why is it so freaking hard?

Okay - so as you can probably see, my mind is on over load. But today - I had a weird revelation, out of something morbid.

As I was driving to see my grandma and ask her the tough question my mom gave to me about pain medications and being hooked up to a pump, which would pretty much make her sleep for the rest of her short days, I realized something.

(The most beautiful place on Earth - The Black Hills)

Before last week, when my grandma found out she was dying of terminal cancer, she wasn't even on pain medication, and while she was sick often, she never needed anything like morphine, especially not on a daily basis. She was still getting out of bed, going to meals, participating in activities. And now she is bed ridden, getting daily doses of morphine and sleeping most of the day. Her condition didn't change over night, but her perception did. As did her care suggestion. And now shes a drug addict - lol - just kidding - but for all intensive purposes she is.

(Setting up for Noah's Allergy Test)

The suggestions that she would be in pain soon, caused her to be in pain. Her perception of her health has caused her to be bed ridden.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this, other then that our attitudes, our statements to others, and our perception of the world influence not only ourselves but the people around us. Seems we should all could be more careful about what is coming out of our minds and mouths.

Now, on to other mindless matters -

(Getting ready to brand calves)

My sons obsession with running water has caused my water bill to sky rocket. Do you think the water company would take pity on a single mom with an insane 2 year old? Because I'm pretty sure I could play that card in this situation.

The kid's spring break happens to not be at the same time as mine. If I sell my children to the gypsies, do you think that'd let me buy them back at the end of the week?

I am taking the PRAXIS on Saturday. And on every practice text, I have bombed every question about Bloom's Taxonomy. Does anyone know any helpful hints to remembering this particular subject?

(4th of July a couple of years ago)

The snow has turned to slush and my awesome white pants now have brown cuffs. I realize you aren't supposed to wear white after Labor Day or some crap, but - I like my white pants and Im cool enough to pull it off in March - until it snows. Bleach didn't do it - any suggestions?

Every time I think I can get rid of the high chair - my son magically wants to sit AND eat in it. Why is that?

Alright - that's enough from my fantastical and terrifying brain for now. I hope you enjoyed this installment of the serious and insane.