Day 47: Super Bowl and 30 day Challenge

As I am sure you know, today was the Super Bowl. I didn't really care who won, as I haven't had any emotional investment in football for years. But I announced at the beginning of the game that I would root for the Packers. It ended up being a decent game and the Packers did win.

I made Nachos for me and the kids to share.

And homemade peanut butter cookies.

So that was that.

Chelsea tagged me in this 30 day challenge thing, that you are supposed to do on facebook, but I figured I'd do it here instead. So the first day is

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

(I hate posting pictures of myself, so here's a weird one I photo messed with)

Alright, 15 facts:

1. I am obsessed with the color Purple

2. I love Rhinos - they are so beautiful, I could sit and watch them at the Zoo all day

3. The song that I most relate to is: Perfect by Simple Plan

4. I have had my dog, Nelly for four years. She's moved with me 4 times and is the best dog I have ever known. She is half lab half German shepard.

5. I am a rehabilitated christian, meaning I am proud Atheist.

6. I could eat Cesar Salads for every meal.

7. I don't mind watching Disney channel, and even shed a tear during the series finale of Hannah Montana.

8. In another life, I believe I was some sort of artist. It just didn't quite translate to this one.

9. History fascinates me, I love learning all about everything that has ever been.

10. I was adopted, and search for my birth mother once a year on my birthday. So far, for 5 years, no leads.

11. If I had a maid, and a husband that loved me and my kids, my life right this moment would be completely perfect.

12. I have 4 tattoos, and finally outlined the 3 I am going to get in the next couple weeks. I am SO excited about that.

13. I have found peace with the fact the my life is never going to be what I had wanted to be. I am finally the art of letting go.

14. I like reading smutty romance novels.

15. I want to travel the world before I die. See everything, experience it all for myself.

Day 46: My children

My children just about drove me completely insane today.

Bri's going through this arguing phase, where everything I say she says "No" too, before I even finish talking. It is seriously getting out of hand and I'm going to get a handle on it.

Noah has recently adapted that same behavior. Super fun when they are both yelling at you.

And today -Oh...my...God.

But then the day ends, they calm down, and I remember just how lucky I am to have them. Everyday isn't perfect, we struggle and fight. But I have 2 beautiful kids, that love me more then anything, that hate when I yell and love when I laugh at them.

Day 45: The last of the Memory Box

I found this little treasure at the bottom of the box.

I don't imagine it would be a tough guess to figure out what this is. But could you guess how old it is?

The first entry is from 12/31/1999. Which would make me 16 years old.

The last entry is dated 5/20/2001.Which would make only 3 months from 18.

The funny part about this diary is how insane my life actually was during this time. So to have an actual record of it - just makes me smile - and kinda feel sick. So I just thought for humor's sake - I'd share just a feel thoughts from my teenage angst.

"Today I have made it into the new millennium. I am alive and it is January First, Year 2000! Amazing, and disappointing."

"I know that I am only 16, but really, I don't think I will ever love anyone besides him. Why does everything have to be so complicated?" hahaha

"Trying to serve God is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.I feel so alone and without answers. I don't know where I am being led and I don't really have a choice anyways."

"At least that's what Gram say. I know that I can trust her. She is so understanding. She is the only person that is supporting me on going to Black Hills State. She knows that Casper is not the place I need to be. Casper will never be my real home again."

"Life is so not fair. I feel so alone and I just want to curl up in a ball and stay there for a whole year. I am 17 years old and still treated like I'm 2! I just want a family! I want to feel important and loved. I have been at CSS for 3 frikkin years! I have felt unloved unloved the entire time. I just need a home. But when I come home, no one understands me. I want to be a daughter, not just a color! I want to go to school, wear normal clothes, go out on a date, call a friend, drive a car or take a walk! Why? Why me? I hate my life so much right now I dread waking up in the morning and pray that Jesus comes back every night. I don't know what to do, why don't they want me?"

"I hang out with mostly Priscilla and the boys. I know that I should make some girl friends but girls are SO moody and fickle! They make me so mad sometimes!"

"I won a trip to German and will be going in April! I can't believe it, I am so looking forward to it!"

"I graduated high school! I have a crappy telemarketing job and am enrolled in classes for the summer! I am so close to getting out of here! The next step in my adventure....here I come!


So anyways - I just read through this whole thing and cracked up laughing like 20 times. And almost cried a few times. I think it might be about time to burn this sucker, but for now...it goes back into the box!

This concludes the shuffling through my Memory Box. The last thing is tucked away back into the closet. Thanks for going on that journey with me!

Day 44: Movies

Anyone that has known me for longer then 10 minutes, know that I am seriously obsessed with movies. I am probably the reason red box stay in business.

And I don't just like watching movies, I'm constantly reading about movies. How they were made, where they were filmed, the ideas behind them. In my head, I analyze them. Which is why I always say that I can like any movie, because I can always find something I like about it, whether its the acting, the setting, where it was filmed, how it was filmed, etc.

And so today, because I can't really think of what I want to write about, I'm going to chronicle what I believe to be my Top 10 favorite movies. It's always subject to change, so we'll call it my To 10 for now.

10. The Twilight Series

Favorite Quote:
About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn't know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Alright - This is something of an honorable mention. I definitely am a follower of the series, though I prefer the books. I see something in the series that is more then the cheesy, sparkling vampire and the pouty girl. I see a love story. I see trials, failures, success, overcoming the impossible. I see a love that transcends life and death, and that keeps me coming back.

9. The Notebook

Favorite Quote:
So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

I have to, of course, include the movie that inspired the name of my son. As you will see from the rest of my list, Chick flicks are not generally my thing. I make a few exceptions, but overall, not generally for me. This is truly my exception. The movie, based on a book by Nicholas Sparks, hits every reality, every struggle, every beautiful thing about a real, honest relationship.
8. Get Him to the Greek/Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Favorite Quote:
I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, uh, war, and I think it was in Darfur, or Rwanda, or Zimbabwe, or one of 'em, and I thought, 'this isn't right, is it?' And I made some phone calls and it turns out, it isn't.

Get Him to the Greek was actually a spin-off of the move Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I think Greek is better, but I love them both. A. Russell Brand is Gorgeous and has an accent the makes me a little weak kneed. B. The whole movie is filled with one liners and sarcasm that makes me still laugh out loud when I watch it. C. I'm hopelessly obsessed with the music. It's raunchy and weird - but Infant Sorrow is my ringtone. Which is only embarrassing when "Inside of You" blares in the library.
7. Leaving Las Vegas

Favorite Quote:
We both know that I'm a drunk. And I know you are a hooker. I hope you understand that I am a person who is totally at ease with that. Which is not to say that I'm indifferent or I don't care, I do. It simple means that I trust and accept your judgment.

This movie is one of my favorite Nick Cage movies. Though I love many of them. It's a weird movie, and the first time I watched it, I walked away trying to figure out how I felt about it for about 5 hours. Turns out, it's a sick, twisted, weird story that really comes down to a boy and a girl, that accept each other, unconditionally, though they are both leading destructive lives. Total Acceptance.
6. The Bourne Series

Favorite Quote:
This is Jason Bourne, the toughest target that you have ever tracked. He is really good at staying alive, and trying to kill him and failing... just pisses him off.

Well, what to say? Everyone has seen them, never talked to anyone that didn't like them. I think I have a soft spot for series that follow the same people, as the same actors over long periods of time. And this is no exception. There's mystery, explosions, characters you grow to care about, upset, some predictability. All the makings of a good series.
5. Red

Favorite Quote:
Frank Moses: I was just hoping you'd be a little more understanding of the situation.
Sarah Ross: I was hoping not to get kidnapped. Or drugged. I was hoping you'd have *hair*. So it looks like none of our dreams are coming true at the moment.

The newest movie on my list comes with an all star cast, hilarious action and a great script. I love Bruce Willis, Love Morgan Freeman, LOVE John Malkovich. Plot-wise, it was a pretty standard action move, with a few twists. But the characters and the script made this movie absolutely above average. I've watched this several times now, and still find it to be about the best flick I've seen in a long time.

4. Zombieland

Favorite Quote:
In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... coulda... shoulda.

Oh Zombieland, how I love you. First, I love zombie movies. Pretty much all of them. I love Zombie stuff, theories on the Zombie Apocalypse, quotes, etc etc. But this one takes it to a whole different level. It's an awesome zombie movie - with comedy laced all through out it. It's like a spoof of zombie movies, that's actually funny. The characters are amazing, the script is priceless, the Rules make the movie. Just a classic.
3. The Entire Die Hard Series

Favorite Quote:
My ch-ch-ch-chair with me in it? That's very exciting. Let me ask you a question, bonehead. Why are you trying to k-k-k-k-kill me?

The Die Hard Series features Bruce Willis at his best, for the last 2 decades. The latest installment, Live Free or Die hard, was as exceptional as the very first. The second was a bit lacking, perhaps hastily prepared. But my favorite is and will always be Die Hard with a Vengeance. Clever puzzles and riddles made this one all the more exciting and Samuel L. Jackson added a definite flare.

2. 28 Days Later/28 Weeks Later

Favorite Quote:
He was full of plans. Have you got any plans, Jim? Do you want us to find a cure and save the world or just fall in love and fuck? Plans are pointless. Staying alive's as good as it gets.

These movies, in my humble opinion, are the best zombie movies out there. I've read a lot of controversy about switching from a British director to an American director and the quality of the second not being as good. However, I didn't really think one was better or worse then the other. They were two different stories about the same virus. And perhaps the most realistic in terms of what could actually spark a zombie apocalypse. The use of music for the creep factor was phenomenally done, the use of color and tones set the moods perfectly, and the zombies were effectively yucky and creepy. I love them

1. Fight Club

Favorite Quote: (As if I could pick just one)

Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!

God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Alright - I could post about 10 more here and still want to post more. To me, this movie was profound. It was enlightening and sickening and in your face. It was twisted and wrong and so validly true to today's world. It's a cult classic now, and many, many people don't like it. The funny thing about movies like this is that you can tell a lot about your compatibility with a person by asking them about this type of movie.



Some other honorable mentions go out to:
300, P.S. I love you, Rock n' Rolla, Law Abiding Citizen, Identity, Crank, and The Transporter Series.

Day 43: Continues.......

Okay- Jordan talked me into. I'm really hyped up right now. Really. Like my brain won't stop and I have like 100 things on my mind. So I'll take her suggestion and make a line break every time I make a new thought and hopefully not let this get to far out of control.

Item #1 - Noah. Noah is sick. Again. Normal kid? Not an issue. My boy? Scary as hell. You see, Noah has been diagnosed with Discoid Eczema. A treatment resistant, rare form of eczema that has no research behind is and has no cure or even prognosis of healing. Yay us. But we've already talked about this. The thing is, when he gets sick, his little body's immune system is concentrating so hard on fighting the infections in his horribly broken out skin right now, that he can't fight the cold that he now has. So now he is very sick, with a fever that won't break and headed quickly towards dehydration. When we hit that, we'll end up in the hospital for a couple days. Which, we are on our way - his lips are drying out, tears are coming less often, and he is barely peeing. It's scary to have a kid like this. I will never forget when my doctor looked at me and told me that if Noah got the chicken pox while in full flare, it would kill him. It's so stressful. I can't help him, I can't fix him and for the most part, I deal with it all completely alone. I mean, I'm really glad I'm here, I have a pretty awesome support system, that will make this time a bit less stressful then previous times. But it's still stressful. And I bare the weight of his illness, his discomfort, his sadness, his pain, by myself. It sucks.

Item #2 - I want a frikkin cigarette. I have been a faithful, pack a day smoker for the last oh..7 years. And I've quit a couple times. But always start again. I feel like it's how I cope, because I have no coping skills. So yea, I'm going to quit. For reals. Because something clicked this morning. I realized that even though I am well passed the "I really want to down 5 bottles of pills" phase, I am still killing myself. Slowly, and probably more painfully. And I am not being the parent I want to be. So it's time for real genuine changes in my life. Smoking being a definitely must fix. So I bought Step 1: Nicoderm and am wearing one now. It could be making me spastic. But I've decided and when I decide, that's it.

Item #3 - on the same lines, I need to change my life. I drink 1000s of calories of soda, I eat without care, I don't exercise nearly enough, and I am going to end up extremely obese or dead. It's time to Stop. No more. Not now, not ever. I've ordered some books, one on self esteem, one on changing your life style, and a couple recipe books. I also ordered a treadmill and bought some weights. I think my other major purchase is going to be the wii fit again, because I absolutely LOVE Yoga and I like the wii fit's Yoga program. I have completely cold turkey quit the caffeine, and am excited to start running again. And to put it out there, my goal is to lose 80 pounds by Christmas. And not just because the scale says so, but because I want to be the fun, active mom my kids deserve.

Item #4 - there is a funny thing about being overweight. Whether it's 50 pounds or 500 pounds, there is a comfort that goes along with it. And a fear. The comfort is that you can eat whatever you want, you can excuse whatever you do, you can just exist. But there is more fear. There is a fear of losing the weight. I am not sure if I will explain this right, but I'm going to try. Here's the thing, when you win the lottery, all the sudden people want to be your friend. People want to date you, people want you. And suddenly you find yourself questioning who your real friends are. Because even though you've won the lottery, you still want to make new friends, you don't want to be isolated from everyone. But you can't trust anyone. It's kind of the same thing. I don't want to be alone. I want to get married and be in love forever. I want that more then I want anything right now. And I'm scared of what will happen when I'm in shape and suddenly meet the right standards. Would he have loved me before I looked this way? Would he have even talked to me? Probably not. Those doubts will eat away at me, I fear. I know I am capable of being healthy, and I remember very distinctly what it was like to fit in the cute jeans, and get the cat calls. And I know that it's not going to be that hard to get there again. But I am afraid by doing it, I'll always be alone. Is that retarded? Probably. Is it going to stop me? No. But it's real and it's there in the back of my mind. By being a better mother and a better version of me, I may alienate myself from the one thing missing in my life. Someone that just loves and wants to be with me.

Item #4 - I am officially a business owner. I own my own business. How amazing is that??? Michelle, the business owner. Granted, there are some downsides. I have to figure out my own taxes. And...um...okay, that's the only thing I can think of. And I'm sure my step father would freak out and think I am way to irresponsible to do this and all that good stuff. But I did it! I am a Developmental Specialist for all of Queen Creek, Apache Junction, and Gold Canyon. I service families that have children with Developmental Delays. I set my own schedule, I make my own hours, I take any and all clients that need my assistance. I make great money, for each hour I spend in a home and I already have 10 clients and have many more that are pending. I can write off my mileage, my computer, my office supplies, printer and ink, and whatever else I need. I send in bi-weekly reports and receive bi weekly pay checks. I keep a file folder of receipts, pay stubs and mileage information, of client information, and of plans for the kids I service. This - is - an - amazing - career. This is what I have been waiting for. This is so much fun. And today - I got my home office set up. Everything is organized. I have everything I need to work as a contractor. And I can write it all off at the end of the year. I love my job.

Item #5 - Isn't funny how attitude/outlook impacts everything you do?? Everything was so bad in Wyoming. Nothing worked out the way I needed it to, let alone wanted it to. I couldn't survive, couldn't keep my house clean, couldn't get a real job, couldn't be the person I knew I was. I looked around today when I got home and thought "Jeez! What a mess!" and got right to cleaning up. And then I had a chuckle over what I consider a mess now. The floors were all vacuumed, the lines still fresh from the last time. The bathrooms were are clean and completely company acceptable. There was not a dirty dish on the counter and nothing on the kitchen table. The "mess" was play money that Noah had gotten out this morning that I hadn't been home to put away, and some wrappers that Nelly got out of the garbage can while I was gone. The living room/kitchen probably could use a mop, but not because anyone else would notice. I love my house so much. I am proud that I live here and while no one ever really comes over, I still want it to be clean for me. Because I love it here. I love everything about living here.

I miss Jordan and Chelsea and Kellee and my cat that doesn't piss all over my clothes. Unlike the asshole cat I threw outside yesterday. And I miss the mountain, and the yellow and red leaves. But I love this place. I love my house, my job, my back yard. I love Bri's school, being close to Tammy, the zoo. I love feeling alive and proud of myself. And I love the one that I have or will meet, that will complete my life puzzle. Because he will love all these things too. And I love me. It's time I start showing myself that.

The end.

Day 43: Wordless Wednesday

Day 42: Talk about it Tuesday!

This week, I read The Gift by James Patterson.

Let me tell you the fundamental problem I had with this book:

I read the entire damn book before I found out it was a sequel. Thus spent 200 some pages utterly confused.

I have always liked James Patterson. I don't think he has written a book that I have read that I didn't like. And I obviously liked this one enough to read the whole thing. But the whole time I was reading, I was waiting for it all to click. Like that chapter where enlightenment comes and everything makes sense....

and it never happened.

The idea of the story is that the world has been taken over by The One and witches and wizards are being hunted and killed. The most powerful witch and wizard in the world happen to be a teenager brother and sister, whose parents have been taken, and attempt rescue missions to get other kids out of jail like places for witches and wizards. Through the whole book, the wizard is constantly thinking about a girl (which almost causes his death, more then once), that obviously has a back story, but I don't know it. How their powers work, what the limitations are, what their parents have to do with anything - is all very unclear. The story appeared choppy and confusing.

But - obviously - in the book's defense - I missed the whole first part of the story. I decided to review it here today anyways, because I did read it, and because I think it's funny that I'm such dork sometimes. I'm going to get the first book and read it - then I'll review again and let you all know!