Day 113: Cookies

When I think of her now... the first think I hear is "That's the way the cookie crumbles".

She was beyond words.

My heart will never be quite whole without her. If there was a heaven, she'd absolutely deserve to be there. And as it is, her memory lives on in my heart and the hearts of my babies. One year is to long, gramma. I miss you.

Day 112: A very happy birthday wish

When I was about 11 years old, my mom began dating a man named Eric. He has a sister Kristi. Kristi had two small kids, Jordan and Ryan.

Let me just tell you, she was the most obnoxious child I had ever met at the time. I don't really remember why I couldn't stand her, but I really couldn't. As time went on, and Eric and my mom got more serious and eventually married, solidifying my relationship with my cousins.

Throughout the years, I have gotten to be part of watching Jordan grow up. When she was little, I babysat her. When she got older, I enabled her. And when she neared adulthood, she saved me.

When Noah was born, Jordan was right there, every chance she got, or when I needed help the most.

When he wouldn't sleep, she took a turn carrying him around and singing to him.

When I was feeling totally frustrated, she took a turn playing with him.

She made his bottles and changed his diapers, she played with Bri and kept them both entertained so I could breathe.

And when I was lonely, she was there, doing homework in my living room.

And even though life has taken us different directions, she still amazes me and I am so proud of her. She is an amazing, AMAZING mother. She is a great daughter. She is a wonderful cousin. And she had grown up into a beautiful and successful person.

I don't know that Noah and I would have made it through the first year without her.

So with that, I hope that tomorrow she has a fantastic birthday and that all of her birthday wishes come true.

I love you Miss Jordan.

Day 111: Miss/Love

I miss my Cousin.

I love my daughter.

I miss my grandma.

I love sunsets.

Day 110: Yes!

Noah learned to say Yes! and Yea! in the same week!

Before this week, if you asked Noah a question and the answer was yes, he made this weird grunting "huhhhh" news that I can't accurately describe here.

But the last two days - it's been yes.

Very funny, very nice. I like it.

Day 109: Going Back to School

Start Date: May 2, 2011

Program Level: Masters
Program Name Education: Guidance and Counseling (ME)
Concentration None
Minor None
Certificate None

Must take the following in this Section:

EDUC501 - Human Growth and Development 0/3
EDUC505 - The Professional School Counselor 0/3
EDUC507 - Professional Orientation and Ethical Practice 0/3
EDUC515 - Helping Relationships 0/3
EDUC530 - Assessment, Evaluation, and Testing I 0/3
EDUC533 - Assessment, Evaluation, and Testing II 0/3
EDUC535 - Theories of Counseling 0/3
EDUC627 - Group Counseling - Theory and Practice 0/3
EDUC628 - Social and Cultural Diversity Counseling 0/3
EDUC640 - Research Methods in Education 0/3
EDUC645 - Career Counseling and Development 0/3
EDUC655 - Counseling Children, Adolescents, and Teens 0/3

Final Program Requirement 0/12
Must take the following in this Section:

EDUC696 - Practicum 0/6
EDUC699 - Internship 0/6

Day 108: Beaten

Beaten down, ready to give in.
So tired of trying and trying to win.

I give up, I'm done
This life is no fun.

Nothing I do turns out right.
Why bother to continue the fight.

Drowning. Drowning. This is it.

Day 107: Shoot me now!

I took my last drink of water at 11:59pm last night. And chain smoked like there would be no today. Then went to sleep.

I woke up this morning, mentally prepared..I thought.

But I smoke this morning anyways. Because I'm a rebel like that.

Anyways, I got to the doctor's office at 10:30 and was taken back pretty quick. I flirted with the anesthesia guy...or he flirted with me. It was this bizarre conversation about raccoon suits, intravenous pick-up lines and the like. He knew I was very nervous and was very good to me.

So Doc came in and talked to me, then I was on my way. I got into the room and the guy told me whatever I go to sleep thinking about, I'll wake up thinking about. And with that - the process began. I focused all my energy on thinking about how funny Noah is and was out.

I woke up and instantly thought - omg ill never have another little noah inside of my belly. And started crying. I freaked everyone in the room out, but couldn't control it. I continued to cry, for the next hour. But at some point, I quit crying about never feeling a baby kick and start crying about the excruciatingly horrible cramping that hurt so bad I wanted to scream.

Tammy came and got me and brought me home. She offered to take Noah for the night for me, but Bri is already staying the night at a friend's house and I couldn't bare the thought of being kid-less today, so I brought him home with me.

Here is the before and after picture of my Fallopian Tubes...as if you really wanted to see that. But I think it's interesting, the coils in there.

And here is what is keeping me from actually ripping my guts out. Because omg it stills hurts. But I'm guessing this is taking the edge off.

When I got home I got Noah's pillows and blankets and turned on some cartoons and got into bed. Noah climbed up in bed with me and we snuggled until I fell asleep. I woke up about an hour and half later, when Preston called to let me know he was almost here to drop off my prescription of my pain pills. I looked around and didn't see know and instantly got worried. I ran out to grab my bottle from Preston and came back in to find Noah. I looked around, no damage done. Came back in my room and bam. There is was...fast asleep on my floor at the foot of my bed.

He found the sharpies I had hidden under my bed last night and colored all over his hands and head and didn't even put it down before he fell asleep.

When he woke up we ate a cupcake, played in my bed for a while, watched Cars, ate dinner, then went in his room for bed time games and story time. He's fast asleep now and it's very quiet in here. I've still got some seriously horrible cramping going on and I'm still feeling sad and like...I lost something. It hurts if I stand up or moved. But I know tomorrow will be way better. And it's done. No use crying now. I think.