I posted a status on Facebook early that made me laugh.
It said:
5. The smell of Baby Formula - I am Not kidding. That stuff makes my gag reflex go all crazy. I can even feel the little thingy in the back of my throat start to vibrate. Screw not being able to wait until your kid is out of diapers, I anxiously awaited the day I never had to make another bottle of formula!
4. Ribs - not the kind in your body, the edible kind. Though I suppose that your ribs are probably edible. I have flashbacks to what I now refer to as the "year of the ribs". Unless you happened to be a resident of a particular boarding school in the year 1999, this means nothing to you. Be glad about that.
3. Toys that need batteries every 20 minutes - seriously? Why the hell does Thomas the tiny train need 2 batteries in the train, 2 batteries in the remote and 17 batteries in the fridge to keep it operational for two days. Doesn't that seems excessive? I think that Duracell is secretly taking over the world.
2. Judgmental People - Okay, this is probably obvious. But I'm not talking about your average, run of the mill, judgmental prick. I'm talking about those snarky people at the park with their mommy group snickering and judging you as your son melts down and throws sand in your eyes. Who do they think they are anyways? Keep laughing, I'm secretly laughing because I know your kid is the one my kid is going to bite next.
1. Fundamentalist - I don't generally have a problem with religious people. Okay - that's not entirely true. I do. But I can keep it under wraps pretty good. I can even fake a religious conversation pretty effectively when needed (which happens in my work occasionally, actually, twice last week AWWWkward). But those people that are 100% convinced the end is nigh! and that if god isn't real then neither are we! kind of people. I mean - that's all cool you believe that - dellusional - but cool. But really? Do you need to announce it on Facebook or Twitter or wherever else, every chance you get? Gag me.
Alright - now - for my top 5 favorite things.
5. Chipped beef. It's like...this amazing comfort food that cooks in 7 minutes and tastes a little like heaven, with chunks in it. If heaven were real that is. And heaven was made of dried beef and milk gravy.
4. Sunsets. They are colorful, fluffy, different every single night and rock the entire sky. It's like looking at cotton candy, except you can't lick it.
3. Books. Not these new electronic thing-a-majigs. I'm talking about binded paper full of words. Even horrible books (like the one I just finished) totally fascinate me. The one I read wasn't really horrible, just...cheesy. But still, it smells good. Like a musky library. And the time and care behind them, that the author carefully crafted and perfected before submitting. It's a beautiful thing.
2. Tammy. She doesn't smell as good as a book, and she's not cotton candy, but she is good to me. Better then I deserve. And if she were a big plate of chipped beef, I'd request her for my last meal, that's how awesome she is. I have never felt completely accepted to be me as me until Tammy. And that makes her pretty delicious.
1. Bri & Noah. Bri smells bad most of the time. Come to think of it, so does Noah. Bri's a sweaty, hormonal, almost pre-teen. And well, Noah poops a lot. But I love them both anyways. Bri is smarter then I am, like a little sponge. Noah is funnier then I am, like a little clown. But they are both a part of me. Their smiles are like chipped beef. Okay, not really, more like sunsets. They are the world, my future, my legacy. Pains in my butt, and I wouldn't have them any other way.
It said:
I laugh at myself pretty often actually. I think of something so off the wall, even for me, that i just crack up laugh. So in that spirit here are some things that I hate. Not really hate though, things I just find annoying.
5. The smell of Baby Formula - I am Not kidding. That stuff makes my gag reflex go all crazy. I can even feel the little thingy in the back of my throat start to vibrate. Screw not being able to wait until your kid is out of diapers, I anxiously awaited the day I never had to make another bottle of formula!
4. Ribs - not the kind in your body, the edible kind. Though I suppose that your ribs are probably edible. I have flashbacks to what I now refer to as the "year of the ribs". Unless you happened to be a resident of a particular boarding school in the year 1999, this means nothing to you. Be glad about that.
3. Toys that need batteries every 20 minutes - seriously? Why the hell does Thomas the tiny train need 2 batteries in the train, 2 batteries in the remote and 17 batteries in the fridge to keep it operational for two days. Doesn't that seems excessive? I think that Duracell is secretly taking over the world.
2. Judgmental People - Okay, this is probably obvious. But I'm not talking about your average, run of the mill, judgmental prick. I'm talking about those snarky people at the park with their mommy group snickering and judging you as your son melts down and throws sand in your eyes. Who do they think they are anyways? Keep laughing, I'm secretly laughing because I know your kid is the one my kid is going to bite next.
1. Fundamentalist - I don't generally have a problem with religious people. Okay - that's not entirely true. I do. But I can keep it under wraps pretty good. I can even fake a religious conversation pretty effectively when needed (which happens in my work occasionally, actually, twice last week AWWWkward). But those people that are 100% convinced the end is nigh! and that if god isn't real then neither are we! kind of people. I mean - that's all cool you believe that - dellusional - but cool. But really? Do you need to announce it on Facebook or Twitter or wherever else, every chance you get? Gag me.
Alright - now - for my top 5 favorite things.
5. Chipped beef. It's like...this amazing comfort food that cooks in 7 minutes and tastes a little like heaven, with chunks in it. If heaven were real that is. And heaven was made of dried beef and milk gravy.
4. Sunsets. They are colorful, fluffy, different every single night and rock the entire sky. It's like looking at cotton candy, except you can't lick it.
3. Books. Not these new electronic thing-a-majigs. I'm talking about binded paper full of words. Even horrible books (like the one I just finished) totally fascinate me. The one I read wasn't really horrible, just...cheesy. But still, it smells good. Like a musky library. And the time and care behind them, that the author carefully crafted and perfected before submitting. It's a beautiful thing.
2. Tammy. She doesn't smell as good as a book, and she's not cotton candy, but she is good to me. Better then I deserve. And if she were a big plate of chipped beef, I'd request her for my last meal, that's how awesome she is. I have never felt completely accepted to be me as me until Tammy. And that makes her pretty delicious.
1. Bri & Noah. Bri smells bad most of the time. Come to think of it, so does Noah. Bri's a sweaty, hormonal, almost pre-teen. And well, Noah poops a lot. But I love them both anyways. Bri is smarter then I am, like a little sponge. Noah is funnier then I am, like a little clown. But they are both a part of me. Their smiles are like chipped beef. Okay, not really, more like sunsets. They are the world, my future, my legacy. Pains in my butt, and I wouldn't have them any other way.
