Day 119: A lotta good it'll do ya...

Did your parents ever tell you to go to college?

To get a good job, you gotta get a college education?

Turns out - that's a LIE. A big furry fat one.

Okay, okay...apparently I just picked a bad degree....and the economy happens to be in a recession right now...and yadda yadda.

But seriously, if I fill out one more online application...I might FREAK out.

I've now applied at:

Natrona Country School District - Wyoming

Laramie County School District - Wyoming

Lebanon Community School District - Oregon

Jefferson School District - Oregon

Every district in Alaska

Every district in Hawaii

Tons of schools in Arizona


I have also searched for jobs in:

Maryland

Georgia

South Dakota

Montana

Texas

Colorado


And I'm kinda feeling...spent.

Day 118: Country Strong

(I've not been in the blogging mood lately, can you tell?)

I just watched the movie Country Strong. Have you seen it?

Talk about D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-N-G

Like majorly. I thought it was going to be one of those feel good, everyone wins movies. Yea, that wasn't the case. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

I do have to say - the movie wasn't the greatest for several reasons.

1. It was choppy. Like it jumped around in weird places. So events didn't really make a lot of since.

2. The back story took to long to come out. Like - over halfway into the movie, I still didn't know why she was so depressing. Just bits and pieces.

3. It kind of like...promoted suicide as being the answer. It like...ended her problems and catapulted everyone else into making the right choices. That was weird.

Anyways - Have you seen it? What did you think?

Day 117: Nebulizer

Have you ever had a nebulizer treatment? They are fabulous - you sit there and breathe in and out of this tube while there is a loud humming coming from a weird bag-like machine. The end results leaves you feeling jittery, jumpy, shakey - and able to breathe again.

I can't stand that feeling, the jittery meth-head feeling. It really irritates me.

But alas...I have bronchitis and an asthma flare. My throat hurts from coughing so much, so I got a prescription for cough syrup with codeine, my lungs hurt, so I got a prescriptions for a Z pack, and I'm having trouble breathing, so back on breathing treatments.

At least I had the good thought process to bring my nebulizer. Even though I hate it.

Day 116: Overwhelmed

Looks like we are moving to a more affordable place.

Looks like I'm applying at jobs like Home Depot.

Looks like I'm feeling so overwhelmed.

I'm so tired of this.

Day 115: Colby's Birthday

Colby's birthday is in 3 days, the 19th. How well I remember that day. The decision, the complications, the hurt, the relief.

And how weird it is to think it's been 6 years already.

Today we celebrated. I looked around at everyone there, and realized, everyone there knew. And suddenly, I felt super awkward...and didn't belong there. With this family.

But if I don't belong there...with them. And I don't belong with my real family...where does that leave me? No where. I don't belong anywhere.

Anyways - we didn't stay at the party long. Noah threw a handful of dirt in the eyes of the infant's (that Tammy babysits) father. Then hit the baby. He was pretty much an all around jerk. And as I said, for some reason, this huge amount of uncomfortable-ness hit me. So, we not so gracefully (thank you Noah), made our exit.

But I got some pictures to share anyways.

Day 114: An interesting thought

(These are obviously not my pictures - I just like them. I give google image the credit)

So the last couple days, I've been having this weird, brief facebook conversation with some girl I've never met.

Weirdly, it's sort of made me think about some things.

I used to ask K all the time about eternity and what would happen after he died. And it bothered me very much that he didn't really care. I would passionately argue about his eternity in hell and he would just look at me and say, "eh". That used to break my ultra religious heart. I couldn't "save" him, no matter how passionately and convincingly I relayed my message. I could not understand why it didn't bother him, at all.

And today, I figured it out.

The thing is - no matter how persuasively someone argues or discusses their opinion or beliefs, if you don't believe in it - their belief in their afterlife just doesn't matter. If hell doesn't exist in your belief, then no matter how much someone talks about it, it isn't scary. There is nothing scary about it.

One of the comments said to me (I'm cliff noting here because I'm too tired or lazy to go get the exact quote) was "Laugh now because there's no laughing in hell" or something like that. And for some reason, this struck me as such an absurd and funny thing to say. Of course I'll laugh now, that's what living is about. Laughing often, loving, caring, joking, smiling, coping, surviving, enjoying. Because this is it. This is the life you have. So why would you not make the most of it?

Hell doesn't scare me, because I adamantly do not believe it is there. That is why all of my passionate christian arguments didn't matter to K. If you don't believe something, it doesn't upset or bother you to think about. But you know, every once in a while, I wonder if maybe I've just..."backslidden", if maybe I do still believe in god and the bible and I'm just...angry and frustrated at religious people. I sometimes wonder if some day I'll go back to it. Today was one of those defining moments, where you realize who you've become, where you accept who you are. Where you have peace about your decisions. So thank you, random facebook/religious extremist. For helping me realize I'm right where I want to be.

Day 113: Cookies

When I think of her now... the first think I hear is "That's the way the cookie crumbles".

She was beyond words.

My heart will never be quite whole without her. If there was a heaven, she'd absolutely deserve to be there. And as it is, her memory lives on in my heart and the hearts of my babies. One year is to long, gramma. I miss you.