The Ocean

This is My Writing and My Pictures, please respect both by not reproducing them.


Drowning, Sinking, lost at the bottom of the Sea

Crying out for someone, anyone to help me.

Feeling the fight drain out of my soul,
knowing the darkness is now taking hold.

Looking back on my life as the last light fades
Wondering which choice was the fatal mistake I made.
Perhaps it was plastering on that perfect smile,
To hide the tears that could have gone on for miles.
Maybe it was faking it, saying I'm alright
When I knew that inside I was losing the fight.

Was it because no one knew that the pain was too real?
Was it because I could never say I how I feel?
Was it because they didn't know I was ready to give in,
Surrender my soul and let the darkness win?


If I had told them, would I not be lying here dying?
Or would they have laughed and thought that I'm lying?
And then I remember for help I did cry,
They didn't care so I lived their lie.

Now, at the bottom of the ocean I lay crying,
But at least here there is no reason for hiding.

The power of perception, suggestion and other mindless matters

WARNING: This blog is incredibly random. Read at your own peril. And because of its randomness - I've decide to share the most random pictures that I can find that have nothing to do with the content of the blog. Enjoy - maybe.


I haven't had much time to blog lately, life seems to happen around me even when I beg it to slow down. But lately, I have been thinking a lot about some really deep issues. Things like:

(A rooster at the ranch)

How do you determine when the quality of life is no longer there?

How do you ask someone if they want to die or keep living in pain?

Should you live somewhere because its comfortable and safe, or take a chance on something new when it could turn out to be a nightmare?

(My classroom that I taught at in Denver)

How do you get homework done when the kids need attention and the house needs cleaned?

What do you do when you've taken out thousands in loans and arent even sure you'll have a job at the end of it?

Is God really even listening to me?

Am I alone in this life? Will I always been alone in this life?

(Laramie Peak from I-25)

Do you go to hell if you doubt His existence half the time?

How in the WORLD do people quit smoking? And why is it so freaking hard?

Okay - so as you can probably see, my mind is on over load. But today - I had a weird revelation, out of something morbid.

As I was driving to see my grandma and ask her the tough question my mom gave to me about pain medications and being hooked up to a pump, which would pretty much make her sleep for the rest of her short days, I realized something.

(The most beautiful place on Earth - The Black Hills)

Before last week, when my grandma found out she was dying of terminal cancer, she wasn't even on pain medication, and while she was sick often, she never needed anything like morphine, especially not on a daily basis. She was still getting out of bed, going to meals, participating in activities. And now she is bed ridden, getting daily doses of morphine and sleeping most of the day. Her condition didn't change over night, but her perception did. As did her care suggestion. And now shes a drug addict - lol - just kidding - but for all intensive purposes she is.

(Setting up for Noah's Allergy Test)

The suggestions that she would be in pain soon, caused her to be in pain. Her perception of her health has caused her to be bed ridden.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this, other then that our attitudes, our statements to others, and our perception of the world influence not only ourselves but the people around us. Seems we should all could be more careful about what is coming out of our minds and mouths.

Now, on to other mindless matters -

(Getting ready to brand calves)

My sons obsession with running water has caused my water bill to sky rocket. Do you think the water company would take pity on a single mom with an insane 2 year old? Because I'm pretty sure I could play that card in this situation.

The kid's spring break happens to not be at the same time as mine. If I sell my children to the gypsies, do you think that'd let me buy them back at the end of the week?

I am taking the PRAXIS on Saturday. And on every practice text, I have bombed every question about Bloom's Taxonomy. Does anyone know any helpful hints to remembering this particular subject?

(4th of July a couple of years ago)

The snow has turned to slush and my awesome white pants now have brown cuffs. I realize you aren't supposed to wear white after Labor Day or some crap, but - I like my white pants and Im cool enough to pull it off in March - until it snows. Bleach didn't do it - any suggestions?

Every time I think I can get rid of the high chair - my son magically wants to sit AND eat in it. Why is that?

Alright - that's enough from my fantastical and terrifying brain for now. I hope you enjoyed this installment of the serious and insane.