The very real

When faced with situations that one doesn't know how to deal with - what is there to do but push forward and deal with it? I learned today that I am not superwoman, I can not handle everything, and that I have found myself in a situation that I don't know how to deal with.

The best woman to ever live, the woman that changed my diapers, that kept my secrets, that loves me unconditionally - is dying. Not in the quasi we are all dying kind of way - the very real, maybe a couple months to live - kind of dying. My grandmother is the most beautiful, loving, amazing woman to ever walk the Earth. She is my hero, my role model, my best friend. And she's going to leave this Earth.

I know that her life was full and happy and wonderful. I once asked her if she ever had any regrets and she told me absolutely not. That she wouldn't change a thing. She loved a man with all her heart since she was 19, and stayed married to him until the day he passed, in 2004. She has three children that would take her place if they could. And while my mom, my daughter and I cried on her hospital bed, she rubbed our heads and told us that everything was okay and that its just her time and that she loves us so much. SHE comforted us. SHE is the rock. She's always been my rock.

And yet, I am not comforted. I am not okay. I am not ready to say goodbye. I am scared and I don't want to live without her in my life.

She changed my life. She made me a better person. She stayed a constant when every thing else was chaos. She believed in my when no one else did. And today, she said she was going to will herself to stay alive to see me graduate college in May. She NEVER gives up me, even when everyone else has.

How do you find peace when you feel absolutely none? How do you go on when you want to just not? How to you get out of bed when you feel so much like not?

The Pink Elephant

I once heard a weird saying about pink elephants. Something like if you are told not to think about a pink elephant, the first thing you think about is a pink elephant. So, with everything going on lately, I think I have been thinking a lot about pink elephants. And wondering if I haven't been creating my own chaos.

(I don't have any elephants, so Ill share my two other favorite stuffed animals instead).


There have been lot of different religions, self help books, and motivational speakers that have talked about the power of the spoken word and the power of our own thoughts. I'm not really sure that I have ever bought into that very much, because I've always been of the opinion that what is going to happen will happen regardless of what I think or say. But what if that isn't true? What if thinking about the pink elephant really makes the pink elephant appear?

It seems that when something bad happens, we start to doubt everything in our a life. A fight with your parents leads to doubts about what you are worth, which leads to doubting your significant other, which leads to a messy break up, which leads to thinking that nothing works out like you want it to, which leads to having to fire your daycare, which leads to you thinking that your never gonna make it anywhere or as anything, which leads to your computer breaking, which happens to be your lifeline to school, thus causing you to think about failing...and so on and so on. That is a truly hypothetical example...of course.


Maybe the thoughts that you think lead you to act in a way you wouldn't normally. You transform who you are not because of the situation your in, but because of the way you view it. You create your own pink elephant. Maybe, just maybe, we control more than we think. And our thoughts are simply self fulling prophesies.

There are a lot of sayings that include elephants - do you know any other cool elephant sayings?

Here are a couple:

Let a person walk alone with few wishes, committing no wrong, like an elephant in the forest.

It is the little bits of things that fret and worry us, we can dodge an elephant, but we can't fly.

I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an elephants faithful 100%. (You know I had to include this one)

Keep five yards from a carriage, ten yards from a horse, and a hundred yards from an elephant; but the distance one should keep from a wicked man cannot be measured.

Cows

Ok, so I have this friend that blogs every single day - with the exception of the one day she took off to give birth. And I set this lofty goal to be able to blog like that. I resign that goal right now - its not going to happen.

Now - onto the topic of today's blog-o-fun. Cows. I happen to know an insanely ridiculous amount about cows. There's actually a whole back story about why I know so much about cows and how cows have played an increasing larger part in my life as the years go on - but perhaps we will tell that story some other time.


Cows used to scare the crap out of me. Once, my car was surrounded by cows, and I needed back IN my car, and about cried trying to figure out how to move these massive gigantors away from my car. How you ever stood next to a real cow? Holy cow! Haha - no pun intended...ok, maybe a little. I digress. These things are HUGE. Like frighteningly huge. And insane. Cows are crazy. I don't know if you knew this either, but their brains are like the size of a flea. I think. Anyways, I did manage to get back in my car without incident, but the point was, they were scary.

As time as passed, and I've met more cows, I've realized that I'm no longer as scared of them. I wouldn't want to have one in my living room or anything...but they aren't that bad. And they have been on my mind the last few days.


The last couple days have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Life worked itself out, as it often does, but for a few minutes, I was insanely angry. Then insanely hurt. Then insanely scared. Then insanely determined. And then insanely peaceful. If you don't know me...I tend to be a bit extreme in personality, everything I do probably deserves an insanely in front of it. I like to call it passion, most call it clinical psychosis. And things worked out as they always do.

Your probably wondering right about now - what the heck does this have to do with cows? So I once knew this cow, that went crazy. It was pregnant, and insane. So it got locked in a trailer. Where it gave birth to twins, and in its insanity, stepped on and killed one of the twins. The other twin - well, it had an insane mother. So - what happened to the poor baby cow? They made it a baby cows hide that had died and give it to the mother cow that wasn't crazy and lost its baby. The mother sniffed it, thought it was hers, and fed it and treated it like it was hers. It grew up strong and healthy and I ate it at Wendy's the other day.

Okay, that last part wasn't true.


Anyways - the point is - Life is unpredictable. Everything in life is a mix of circumstances, reactions, and interpretation. You can be sure of nothing but the breath you are taking as you read this. But ride out the wave long enough and you will find the beach. Something sad can end happy with the right helping hand and the right determination. Without the rancher to make the "jacket" for the baby cow, the calf wound have died. Without a surrogate cow's determination, the calf would have died.

It's all a matter of perception. Never giving up. Even when you've gone crazy. Even when it seems impossible.

What random thing do you know an insane amount about?

The Forest through the Trees

So, I have ignored my lovely blog for 2 days, and I'm not sure I have much to say today - as I spent most of the night in complete agony from whatever demon has possessed my stomach. I finally have eaten and been able to keep it down - that's a good sign right? Pleaseee say yes.

But as I tossed and turned and cried and considered ripping my guts out, I had a thought about nothing being permanent. It was a...revalation of sorts. By 4am, I was exhausted and really started to get concerned. Then I realized - this will end, life will go on, there is still a forest through the trees.

My life hasn't exactly been an easy one - but its been one filled with small blessings and large ones too. During the times when Im frustrated, or tired, or ready to give up, I can still look around and see the beauty in the trees, in the sunsets, in the laughter of my children. And so, I keep going, and changing, and trying to be a better person.

I'm alone in my house, its quiet and my stomach hurts, but I know this will end and tomorrow will be better. The sun still rises and sets. The world keeps turning. And today - its still a beautiful day.

What motivates you to keep going when you want to give up?

A few missing pieces

I have a slight obsession with Dr. Seuss. Okay, slight is probably an understatement. A while back, while cruising through a local bookstore, I found some giant Dr. Seuss puzzles that I immediately fell in love with and purchased. They have since been sitting on my bookshelf, calling my name every time I walk by. And I've sadly passed them by, due to lack of time and energy.

Tonight was the night...I finally broke them out and quickly plopped on the floor to create my Dr. Seuss master pieces. (Dr. Seuss was truly an amazing children's story book author, just thought I'd mention that.) As I was putting them together, I had a thought about life and families and being who we really are.

Without all the pieces in my puzzles, It really isn't a picture at all. It's just an incomplete, series of pieces, with the potential to be something more. The words and story are not complete, but with a little time and a little effort, something amazing and beautiful might be written on the pieces, waiting to be seen and read and shared.


And so, I completed my puzzle tonight. And they were so awesome, and I enjoyed them thoroughly. And I realized that I hold the pieces to writing my own story. Waiting for someone to put your pieces into your puzzle is like my sad Dr. Seuss puzzles, sitting on a book shelf, waiting for me to get around to opening them.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

...

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)


Oh! The Places You Will Go
By Dr. Seuss

Perfection

Last night, I had a fascinating experience at the grocery store. But first, the back story.

I got up at 5:30 yesterday morning. I quickly worked out, took a shower, got ready, woke up two kids, got them ready for school, and was out the door at 7. I got to work at 8. I think I sat down three times today, and once was to shovel food in my mouth before running around for another few hours. At 4, I was finally done, left work, picked kids up from school and realized - we have no food at the house. (Remember back to how I mentioned that I really hate the daily grind)

Okay on with the story. The dreaded trip to Wal-mart was in the cards. We arrived at Walmart at 4:45. We quickly rushed through the store, throwing this and that and some more of this into the cart at an amazingly rapid rate. I happened to check the time as we approached the check out line, it was 5:27. Pretty good time right? That's what I was thinking.

With only one lady in front of me, and her conveyor belt of food almost empty - I felt pretty optimistic about getting home before 6. And so, it is our turn. We are greeted by the cashier, an older lady with nothing that read friendly. She radiated an aura of "I take my job very seriously". Which is cool...we all have to do it.

And then...the checking and bagging began. And I watched in mixed horror and fascination. She sorted through each item I purchased. Every container of raw meat was individually wrapped and then bagged together. If something appeared possibly cold, it was felt and sorted by weight, size, and coldness. Dry items were sorted and set aside. When bags started to fill, they were lightly lifted to check the weight of the bag. When they reached a maximum load, each and every bag was then double bagged, to ensure they did not rip. My groceries were completely and perfectly bagged.

And I finally walked away at 6:07p.m.


I was irritated..and tired...and kept thinking that I still had to go home and carry all these groceries in and then put them away.

But as I drove home - I really got to thinking. When did perfection become inconvenient? When did "good enough" become good enough? This lady was extremely good at her job, which happened to cause me to lose time and energy, and I was annoyed with her for it. I felt very humbled by the time I got home, and as I unloaded my perfectly wrapped bananas and quadruple wrapped chicken breasts, I realized that I settle for good enough way to often.

How often do you settle for good enough? Does perfection ever annoy you? Or maybe you have some crazy perfectionist tendency that drives other people crazy? I'd love to hear it!

Trees

Lately, I've been a little too fascinated by trees. I see a tree and immediately pull my car over and take out my camera. I've taken probably 50 pictures of trees. And I really like them in the winter. They are bare and brown and dreary.

Don't get me wrong, brown and bare and dreary is not exactly my favorite form of aesthetic pleasure. But think about it. Every summer these large, unexplainable structures bloom and blossom leaf after green leaf. These leaves grow out of wood - something that shouldn't allow growth at all. And then, as if to put on a show for us, they change to amazingly vibrant and fascinating colors. Hues of greens, yellows, reds and oranges. They cling to the trees for their lives until they finally give in to bitter cold and fall to the ground. And yet, despite the death cycle they go through every single year...the stand strong and try again the next year. They never give in....they never give up.


It makes me think, each time I see a "dead" tree. We give in to the bitter cold seasons of our lives. And then, we find a way to stand strong and try again. What was your strongest moment? Do you stand tall and proud? Even when you are all alone and the color has drained from your branches, how or what do you do to continue to stand out?



On a side note - these pictures are mine. Which hopefully I will only be using my pictures from now on. :)

Daily Grind

One of my favorite movies is Office Space. I don't know how many of you have seen it, but I highly recommend it. Especially if you are tired of the daily grind that so many of us do everyday. The IMDB website gives this summary:

Peter Gibbons just can't seem to catch a break. His girlfriend is cheating on him, he has an obnoxious neighbor, and he's completely miserable with his job as a small cog in a company called Initech. Then he visits a hypnotherapist, who dies just after putting Peter into a state of complete bliss. Free of worrying about making a living, he no longer feels the need to keep his job, just as the company is going through a massive downsizing. However, his new attitude only makes him more valuable in the company's eyes, and his friends Michael and Samir are fired instead. Together, they scheme to plant a virus inside Initech's computer system that will pull money into their own account.


WOW! That Summary makes this movie sound lame and boring...which isn't the case at all. It is one of the funniest movies of our generation.

Sometimes, I feel like Peter (pre-hypnotic state). Like I've just had enough of the daily ground. My life is like rush hour traffic. I switch lanes to get ahead, only to come to a dead stop and watch the lane next to me speed ahead. When I jump into that lane - magically its the lane I was just in that starts movie....... you get the picture.

Have you ever just taken a day to not care about the grind? Decided that it's not being lazy, it's just that every one once in a while it's okay not to care? I'd love to hear stories - times when you just did something spontaneous, outside of your normal grind!

Lately...

Around me, I watch the world moving. I see people pushing strollers, people going to work, people constantly moving. Everyone seems to have a place to go...and often a deadline to get there. They don't stop, the world keeps on going...and I wonder where that leaves me. I am someone that never has been good at dealing with deadlines, and never really has to be anywhere anyways. Sure, I almost have my dream job - what one would call a "satisfying" or "rewarding" career in this world. And I'm almost always on time, almost always dependable.



But that doesn't make me feel less alone. I go to school every morning and talk to over a hundred people before the day is over. I laugh often, smile more, socialize to what we call acquaintances, and yet, never feel like more then a speck on a planet that doesn't care about my survival in the least. I struggle to fight off the loneliness that growls and snarls at my heels in even the largest crowd of people. I long to find "fakers" - people that live normal lives, people that go about their days because they know they have to, but inside feel like no one understands them. That inside you are someone that is different, creative, loud, funny, social, or anything else I didn't list, and yet, feel unappreciated by even those closest to you, those that should know you. That you can't even be who you really are.