Day 98: Just some follow up videos

Just some more videos - that I've had for a while and wanted to share but were to big to upload.

Day 97: Bieber Fever.

Tonight was Bri's Talent Show.

I would just like to know when my little baby, my first born, became a little woman. She is so beautiful and smart, amazing and funny. I adore her.


Meanwhile, She adores Justin Bieber. Like...obsessed.

So for the talent show, her and a couple of friends decided to sing a Justin Bieber song. Unfortunately, it didn't end well, they didn't get to practice with the Karaoke version and it sort of fell apart. Bri was crushed and cried and was very embarrassed and my mommy heart broke for her. But on the way to the talent show, she was practicing in the car and did amazing.

I'm so glad I recorded it.

P.S. She is totally fascinated with the fact she is now on Youtube.

Day 96: Movie Night

I was torn, because there were a bunch of new movies in the Red Box, but it's also Monday Night Raw!

I opted for the movies and am going to attempt to relax and not worry for one night.

So anyways - i just thought I'd ask what your favorite Movie Snack is. Because I read an interesting article recently about popcorn not becoming a popular movie snack until the Depression.

Mine:

Day 95: Talk about it

As many of you know, I'm a big James Patterson fan. I finished my book a few days early and thought I would review it today instead of on Tuesday, while it's fresh in my mind.

This week, I read Swimsuit by James Patterson.

This book is pretty complicated, I'm not sure I can give a great summary without being completely confusing, but I'll give it a go.

A swimsuit model disappears while doing a photo shoot in Hawaii. The killer calls the parents of the girl and tells them they better head to Hawaii, because she is "not in good hands". They are loving parents and jump straight on a plane. They search for her and in the process meet a reporter, who is truly the main character of the book. His name is Ben Hawkins. The reporter befriends the parents and helps them in their search.

While they are searching, a couple of other girls disappear and are found dead.

Meanwhile, the killer is walking free, and a master of different disguises. He takes on many different roles, different faces, and he is the the scariest kind of killer. Because he isn't killing for pleasure, he's killing for a price. A price paid to him by a mysterious group, for video taping his murders.

This story is told from the killer's point of view, Ben Hawkins point of view, and a few other people spotlight it as well. It's extremely interesting, written in a way that makes you interested in every single person in the story.

Throughout the story, things happen that I NEVER saw coming. Tragedies and people dying that in traditional stories would never die. And ending that I would have NEVER guessed. Definitely recommended reading for anyone that likes a good mystery.

The only thing I didn't love about it was that it was such a long, twisted tale that I felt it perhaps deserved more of an ending. It kind of seemed like...mystery...mystery...mystery...ohherestheendingkthanksbye. The ending was Excellent, like the epilogue was great. But I would have liked detail or more ...something.

Day 94: In the Closet

I was out watering in the backyard yesterday and suddenly the kids just disappeared.

This is quite strange, you see, because any time I even set foot outside, they are right behind me.

Even stranger, it got very quiet.

After a few minutes, I got pretty concerned and went looking for them

I checked Bri's room...nope.

I checked Noah's room...nothing

I walked the loop through the hallway and back into the kitchen....nada.

Then I heard it. The unmistakable snicker of a 3 year old.

Then the loud SHHH! from an 8 year old.

I follow the noise...open the hall linen closet and ....

My kids, as of yesterday, were officially and undeniable...in the closet.

Day 93: What would you do??

Living in Wyoming most of my life...I've never really even given a second thought to buying a lottery ticket.

In fact, I never have.

When I lived in Denver, I made good friends with a man that owned a little mom and pop type gas station. Every once in a while we'd go halfs on a scratcher, but that has been the extent of my lottery playing.

However, this morning it was big news that the Mega Millions lotto pot is up to 312 Million dollars. Can you even begin to imagine?

So for the first time in my life, I've purchased 10 chances to win. Numbers will be drawn in 17 minutes.

Granted, I'm not holding my breath or anything. But wouldn't it be something?

So of course, I've let my brain wonder through the scenario. Because, hey, why not?

Here's what I decided:

1. I would obviously take the lump sum.

2. I would hire an attorney and accountant. (lol - I'm so practical)

3. I would set up college, life, whatever funds for:
a. Bri
b. Noah
c. Colby
d. Brayden
e. Maddison
f. Allie
g. Blaine

4. I would buy Tammy a house of her choosing

5. I would buy us a house, much like the one we currently live in, modest, nice back yard, safe neighborhood, near Tammy.

6. I would set up a fund for my cousin to finish college and never have to worry about taking care of her and weeman

6. I would pull Bri out of school and hire a private tutor and a nanny.

7. Let the traveling begin.

And somewhere in there, I would probably contact K and say what now bitch...because...yes I am that big of a bitch. Lol.

And of course, we'd go to a Justin Bieber concert, a Taylor Swift concert, pay off any debt I have, etc etc

After that, I think I'd go back to living a normal life. Loving my kids, doing the best I can by them, working with other kids. But of course, that kind of money changes everything.

So that's my long played out fantasy.

What would you do with that kind of money?

Day 92: It's ALIVE.....

In case you ever gave it another thought...

My grass has finally began to grow.

I've always said that one night, I'm going to find myself in some field somewhere, I'm standing on grass, and it's raining, and I'm with the person I love, and I know I'm at the very point I've been dreaming of getting to. - Drew Barrymore

Day 91: Taboo Topic

I'm not really sure why I'm going to talk about this.

I guess to talk it out.

Six years ago, I asked the Doctor to tie my tubes. They said I was not old enough, nor did I have enough children to tie my tubes. That seems a bit ridiculous to me. If a person does not want more kids, that should be their decision, regardless of their age or amount of children.

Three years ago, I asked a new doctor to tie my tubes again. This time I got as far as signing the consent form. But this time, other people talked me out of it.

And talked me into getting this stupid piece of plastic in my arm instead. I have hated that thing since the day she put it in there. I've had migraines, insane bleeding, cramps that could cause me to murder, etc. But alas, it was there.

Until Monday.

(Prep stuff to remove the implanon)

It was...horrible. It took almost an hour of digging and cutting scar tissue to remove it. It took 3 shots of anesthetic. And an hour of listening to the scissors snip away inside my arm. I wanted to puke for hours after. In fact, I still feel a little sick thinking about it. But, it's out.

So now I have to make a new decision. While I have insurance. Am I really going to have more babies? Am I really ever going to be in a situation where I want more? Am I emotionally equipped to ever deal with another? Would it be fair to Bri and Noah and even to the unborn child?

The answer to all of the above questions is No.

So why am I so scared about getting this done?

I guess because of the word permanent. In my world, nothing is permanent. Nothing. So having to make a permanent decision is terrifying.

I also think that I am scared I'll never meet anyone once I'm sterilized, lol. I mean, really, who wants to date or marry a girl with two especially needy kids that can't even them one of their own?

But the time has come. In 15 days, I will be permanently unable to have children. In 15 days, I will never even have a thought about having another baby.

I decided to go with the Essure. It's permanent, more effective then a tubal, with less recovery time and no incisions.

It's basically two little coils that they shove into your tubes.

The tubes recognize the foreign body and build scar tissue around time. Thus, no fertilization. And that's that. It takes like 15 minutes, about an hour for the anesthesia to wear off enough to go home and a day for recovery...

The end.

Day 90: Talk about it Tuesday

Finally, the return of Talk about it Tuesday.

I picked up some clearanced books out of a bin at Walmart and a couple that looked good at Walgreens.

And since I am diligently bathing Noah at ever possible moment to try to get a handle on his skin, I have had a lot of time to read this week!

The first one I read is called The Woods and is written by Harlan Coben.

I have never heard of this author before I picked up this book. But as you may know, I'm a big fan of trying out books without knowing anything about them. As much as I love James Patterson and Dean Koontz, this is still my favorite way to pick a book.

Our hero in the book goes by the nickname of Cope. A horrible crime was committed during the summer of his 17th year of life. He was supposed to be on guard duty at the summer camp that both he and his sister attended that summer, but rather, he snuck off with his then girlfriend, Lucy. That night, 4 teenage campers disappeared, one of them was Cope's sister. Only 2 bodies were ever found.

Now Cope is the lead county prosecutor in Newark, New Jersey and things suddenly start happening that will force him to search for answers again. Who really killed his sister, or is she really dead? Certainly this is a question you ask through the whole book, especially when a man ends up in the morgue, that Cope identifies as the boy whose body was never found but was presumed dead. He was alive, until now?? If he was alive, could his sister be too?

I loved this book. Not just liked loved.

It was very well written, excellent narration, colorful images. I loved that there was complexity, but not so much you couldn't follow it. I loved that it kept me guessing until the very end. I love that not only did we get to follow the 20 year old missing sister case, but also Cope's personal life, and a case that he was prosecuting, and they all intertwined very nicely.

Definite must read.

Day 89: Blast from Noah's Past

I was thinking today about the things I have been through with Noah.

It's hard to believe he is only 3, as at times it seems like an entire lifetime. We have been through so much in his short life.

I was trying to remember how many times he's been hospitalized. I think we are somewhere close or over the double digit mark.

I was trying to remember how many doctors we've seen. I think we are somewhere near 50.

(Yes, my awesome kid ate a battery)

The reason I bring this up is because the other day, when I thought I was going to lose my mind, I sort of realized some things.

One thing I realized is that if I had to live what Noah lives with on a daily basis, I'd be committed. Or possibly in prison. He is tortured, every day. It is no wonder that he acts out and is hard to handle.

The second is that it is my job as a mother to work for him. To be everything he needs, even if he doesn't realize he needs it. It's a fight to get the creams on him, it's a fight to get the medicine in, to get him dressed, to keep him calm. But if I don't fight for him, who will?

Day 88: Hodge Podge pictures

My nifty Android phone automatically uploads all the pictures I take to Photobucket. I was looking through them tonight to pull off and file the ones I want.

I only check it every month or so. And I thought I'd share with you my favorites.

Noah thinks he's quite the funny man sometimes.

While tutoring, a baby Macaw hatched and I got to watch it.

I like play-doh gardens.

Day 87: Michelle and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very bad Day

Have you ever read to book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good,Very Bad Day by Judith Voirst?

Today, I feel like Alexander.

And I definitely want to move to Australia. Or anywhere far, far away from my reality.

It didn't start out a great night. Noah went to bad at 7. He was very tired.

He was up at 7:30, 8:15, 9, 9:20, 10:30 and again at midnight. At midnight, I gave him some Benadryl. But by that point I was wired. I couldn't sleep, totally on edge that he was going to wake up again.

Finally at 2am, I checked on him, he was out, so I finally fell asleep.

I woke up at 9am, tired but fine, and had lots of plans to clean up, work on the back yard and fill up the pool.

I got up and heard the kids in Bri's room, so I figured everything was under control and got in the shower.

I showered, cleaned up my room, striped my bed to wash everything, and even vacuumed really quick. I looked around and was quite pleased with my early motivation. I headed out into the hall way...towards the living room. I rounded the corner and saw this....

This is my couch. It is covered in powder lemonade mix. Like covered. The entire couch.

This...is my floor. Covered in Dish Soap.

Not just in one isolated place. It was spread from the entrance of my kitchen to the back door. In some places, it was covered in more powdered lemonade.

The toilet was covered in toothpaste, the dog food was spilled everywhere, there were "choo choo train tracks" of toilet paper from one end of the house to the other. Every room of the house was hit except mine. He'd obviously been at this for hours.

I turned around. Walked back into my bedroom. And cried. I got the kids dressed, put them in the car, and left. I could not even deal with what my mind was attempting to process. I went to Tammy's and she wasn't home, so I headed to Walmart, as I needed some groceries anyways. I ended up running into Tammy and we headed to her house to try to calm down before going home to deal with the monster that was my house.

I eventually came home, with Tammy's steam cleaner in tow.

I steam cleaned the couch.

Vacuumed the rugs.

And began the long...LONG...process of trying to get the soap up. But what you may not realize is that concentrated soap is like impossible to mop up. It just keeps making more and more and more suds. I'd wipe it up with towels, then mop again, wipe, mop, wipe, mop. It took hours.

Later on I also realized he somehow made my fish food disappear. He says he poured it in the sink.

The worst part is that through it all, getting in trouble, seeing me upset, having to help clean it...it didn't even phase him. He does not care, at all.

So...while I am waiting to get in to get him diagnosed...I've taken some drastic and last desperate attempt measures.

I bought a door alarm and installed it. I showed him exactly how it works and what will happen if he opens his door now. Let me just say, this kid is extremely noise sensitive. So this feels almost cruel. Like he gets hysterical if the fire alarm goes off. And he does NOT like the door alarm, it scares the crap out of him. But I have to be woken up if he comes out. And he has to have some sort of awareness or fear of coming out and doing these things. So this is the only thing left I can think of.

But I also want him to know that I am here if he does need me. I don't want him to feel abandoned in there or like I won't come to him if he has a nightmare or is sick or whatever.

And so, the baby monitor has come back out. I showed him how this works, that I can hear him talking to me, that if he needs me all he has to do is talk into it.

I also bought some new, really expensive moisturizer stuff that I found today. I really believe in my heart that at least the sleeping stuff is being caused by how miserable and itchy he is.

The reality is, I've become for jaded about his skin. Nothing ever works for very long and it takes SO much time and effort to even make a tiny dent, that I have kind of giving up trying. But in the process of a total mental break down today, I realized I have to keep trying. It's so much effort for so little results, but if i can even eliminate a small portion of the itch, I've got to do it.

With that said, I'm putting him back on a daily benadryl regimen. When we we in the hospital for those two weeks, I met 8 and 9 year olds that had been on benadryl their whole lives. They lived like little zombies. This bothered me so much that I took Noah off and vowed never to do that to my boy. But the reality is, he's not getting better, he's not out growing it and he is miserable. The reality is it's better to give him benadyl every day then to let him suffer the way he is.

I feel like he hates me. I feel guilty that he hurts all the time and I can't make it better. I feel helpless and hopeless and frustrated and angry.

Day 86: Sprinklers

Do you ever think about the simple joys that surrounded you as a child?

Summer would wind it's way down the mountain, into the trees, the lawns, the gardens.

The air got warmer and the sun stayed out just a little longer.

Things smelled different, felt different, tasted different.

In Arizona, the summer starts a little earlier then we are used to. Things are already starting to smell green. The first seedlings of grass have begun to sprout in my garden and in my yard. The first tiny strawberry has turned pink on its' vine.

The sunsets are a little less intense, the air a little warmer. The day light a little longer.

Watching my babies, the loves of my life play tonight, reminded me of the simplicity and beauty of it all. The easy smiles that come as the sprinkler ticks away in the yard.

The curiosity of a back yard. A whole new world to 3 year old eyes. A place of mystery and giggles, of dragon battles and superman landing pads. An imaginary woods, a place of complete freedom.

A freedom, that for the first time, I am able to offer my beauties. A place where failures disappear, mistakes don't matter, bills don't exist. A place where we are all able to laugh without fear, smile without reservation, and for Noah, a place to be safe while naked! :D

Day 85: Some things on my mind

So I've had some things on my mind.

I'm not really sure when I've had time to have things on my mind, but I have.

The first involved something that makes me shiver just thinking about it. Jobs for Natrona County School District are about to open. First year teachers in NCSD make over 44 thousand a year.

That....is tempting.

Bri and I have had some pretty serious discussions about this.

Now - there are so many variables here. Would I even get an interview, let alone a job offer?

Didn't happen last year.

But let's talk it out. Moving means leaving Tammy and Colby. Moving means leaving Bri's new school and friends. Moving means leaving this house. Moving means leaving Arizona.

Moving means....going to back to the place that took so much from me...and almost cost me my life.

It would also mean being financially stable and independent. So maybe those things wouldn't happen again.

But...as Bri and I ultimately decided: You can't put a price on your sanity. You can't put a price on having help with your kids.

I wish I could get a really stable income here. Though I am hopeful that is working itself out as I type. I wish I had a relationship with my family, though I have given up hope on that ever being what I wish for. I wish that could meet someone that loved us for us and didn't need us to change to be good enough, but I can't make any of the 3 of us anything but what we are.

And so...I guess I won't be applying for jobs back home.


Secondly, I love the sunsets here. I was looking over pictures today that I have taken and am still in awe of how beautiful they are. I wish I remembered to stop and watch them more. I think I will make a point to do that.

Thirdly, the following pictures were taken sometime between 12-2am this morning. When my son was again wide awake. I'm so beyond tired of this middle of the night stuff. I've paid my dues, he's three years old, I should get to sleep through the night. Just saying.

The good news is - I have the referral process started - so hopefully a diagnosis and services are in our near future.

My son's skin sucks. The referral to the specialist, so we can get him back on his medicine is also in the process. I think that getting this back under control will help with the sleeping thing. Because he wakes up from scratching himself til he bleeds.

Finally, while make all these tough decisions, I have really been hurting because I miss my beautiful grandma. She always had the best listening ear and thoughts to share.

I can hear her telling me to follow my heart, to trust it to lead me the right way. But I wish I could hear her say it. Just one more time.

I miss her. A lot.

Day 84: LONGGG Day...

I just want to go play a computer game and relax.

It's been a long day and an even longer week.

How do you relax after a hard day?

Day 83: My 100th post...and 2nd try at a Contest

This is Officially my 100th Post.

I realize it's only Day 83 of Project 365, but there was me, before the project. The project is starting to feel like a burden. The last two days I have not wanted to post. I have wondered if I should just quit. My comments have dwindled, conversations died out, and I have become more and more leery of posting my real opinions and thoughts.

So here is my new contest.

I want your ideas. What do you want me to blog about? Do you have a question you want answered? A thought you want explored? It can be anything, crazy, intelligent, funny, scary, real, fictional - anything.

I will take anyone who suggests an idea, write it on a piece of paper and put it in a bowl. I will let Noah pull one out and that will be the winner. Additionally, I will write about whatever it is. You can put it here as a comment, on Facebook comments or in an email if you don't want anyone to know.

You can enter up to 3 ideas.

I will have Noah choose the winner on Friday.

Day 82: Test...test...is anyone out there...

I don't know why I thought of this today - but it really made me laugh.

Like the kind of snorting, laugh out loud, belly laugh.

Day 81: Noah's Birthday Party

We had a nice little birthday party for Noah last night. I got him a cake and we went to Tammy's. Heather and her girls and Uncle Robby and Tammy, Preston and Colby all celebrated his birthday with pizza, cake and presents.

He wasn't in a very good mood and was very tired from working in yard all day. But it was nice to be around family to celebrate his birthday and get to just hang out and relax after the long day.

Day 80: In Case you were wondering

In case you were wondering whether or not I actually followed through with my plan to work all day, I'd like to tell you:

The door man in the garden center at Wal-mart now knows me as the "dirt girl" and has asked me to bring in pictures when I am done.

Additionally, I have now met a young lady the moved here from Wyoming, and we had a nice conversation. I made an old lady friend who gave me more information then I could absorb about growing Strawberries here. A nice young man told me about the great crops of potatoes he has grown. And an employee there followed me around telling me to let me know when I was ready for another pallet of dirt to come down.

My car holds exactly 23 bags of Scott's Top Soil.

I am almost positive that I can feel myself getting cancer from the sunburn on my back. I'm pretty sure I'm at least at 2nd degree burns.

I have blisters in places I didn't know you could blister.

My hands have gone from dainty and smooth to that of a 25 year veteran mechanic in a span of only hours.

And if all that isn't enough proof, here are some pictures.

Bri was moderately helpful in the planting of the flowers.

Noah....was not.

This is where I ended for the day. The yard has been soaked, covered in fertilizer and grass seed, covered in a layer in top soil (which I had to empty, 1 cu foot bag at a time, then rake out into leveled areas), then watered again. I also planted a grapefruit tree and a Mandarin Orange tree. Which was a treat by the way, since digging a hole in the ground here is a bit like trying to dig a hole in cement.

The trampoline is back in place and complete with a paver walk way for the munchkins.

There is still a lot to be done, but I predict that if I can move the majority of my body parts in the morning, we will finish by tomorrow afternoon.

I'd tell you what is left, but then you wouldn't read tomorrow.

Day 79: The backyard

If you don't remember what my yard looked like before today, you can get a little reminder referring to a previous blog by clicking here.

After really thinking about and talking to Tammy, I've decided to really invest some time and a little money into my backyard. I realize I'm renting, so some may argue that it's a waste. However, I adore my house, I doubt I will be moving for a very very long time. In fact, unless I marry a millionaire or die, I imagine myself in this house that I love for years to come.

So today, I began the work. After a trip to walmart we began. I planted 144 seeds (actually more since each pellet has 2 or 3 seeds in it) into the mini green house things you can buy at walmart. The is supposed to jump start growth before transferring them into the ground.

We also bought 10 different pots to have some pretty flowers on the porch, which we will plant tomorrow. We kinda cleared out Wal-mart, so we are going to go to Home Depot and check out their selection if we need more.

And then we began the real work. As you can see, I have some major weeds growing. But I also have a large LARGE rock problem. In order to get grass growing, I need to rake out all the rocks and kill all the weeds. So I made a lot of progress today, I'm well over half way to getting the rocks raked out, I have 2 ripped up pinkies and a blister to prove it. And about half the weeds are gone.

The original plan was to roto-till the back yard and then plant grass seed. However, that plan is dead now, as the ground is to hard to till. The new plan is to completely saturate the backyard in water tomorrow, then lay the grass seed, then cover the grass seed in top soil and water it again. Keep watering til grass grows. Theoretically, I think it will work.

I also have a couple goodie treats that are going to take my back yard from plain to amazing. But I don't want to share them yet....

You'll see as it progresses. :)

Day 78: Noah's 3!

Certainly not an easy pregnancy, he was an unplanned, not especially welcomed surprise.

I was quite content being a single parent to a little girl that was about to begin Kindergarten. But to be a single parent of two - with no real help and to a boy no less. Yea, I was not excited.

Being pregnant with him was awesome, it included excruciating heartburn, morning sickness every single day for the entire time, bed rest, high blood pressure and too small so I ended up going 3 weeks passed my due date.

Finally, my doctor decided to induce, when my blood pressure got to high. Even as I was getting hooked up to the pectocin (sp?) IV, I was scared and worried that I'd never be able to love this baby as much as I loved my daughter. That I couldn't raise a boy. I even had made a phone call about adoption. I was seriously afraid. And felt like no one understood how true and real I felt about that.

But only a few hours later, I was holding this:

And he was beautiful. And perfect. And so tiny and fragile. He was everything. My world stopped, my heart grew bigger. And I was instantly and irrevocably in love with this little boy.

His name is Noah.

Noah's eyes are the color of milk chocolate, so smooth and bright. His smile lights up the room, the world.

He never slept, thrived on us laughing at him, and has always driven me a little crazy.

His short life has been riddled with medical problems, he's been miserable and tired and itchy for almost all of it.

But yet, still finds a way to make me love him more every single day.

I didn't think I could love him. And now, I can't imagine my life without him.

He is still moody, still never sleeps and still has medical problem and after medical problem.

But wouldn't trade a single minute of my life. Being his mommy has made me a better person, a better human. The desire to be better, to make his life better drives every decision, every choice I make.

I go out of my way to make him laugh. Because his laugh is magical. His laugh is contagious. His laugh makes the sun and stars shine.

And today, this amazing, beautiful, funny, special little boy turned 3. My little boy, our baby Noah, the star in my sky is 3. And today, I utter a little request into the universe that his life will continue to be filled with people that love him, with smiles and laughter, with all the things that will make him a successful, happy fulfilled young man.

And maybe, maybe if the universe would be so kind, a cure for his eczema.

Happy Happy Birthday to a One of a Kind, amazing little man.