Day 68: Being...Candid

Starting a new relationship as a single mom is hard.There are so many questions and concerns and worries and wondering.

Will the kids like him? Will he like them? Are we going to agree on parenting styles? Do I let my kids even get attached again?

It's a crap shoot, ya know?

If you risk it and end up not working out, they kids get hurt. But if you don't risk it, you end up alone.

And since I have previously risked it and hurt my kids, I fear even more then I used to.


But then the first thing Noah asked me this morning, after doing a thorough sweep of the house, was, "Where's Eff?"


Then the last thing he said tonight before bed was, "Night Eff, Love you"


And I then realize, I have to risk it. Because my kids deserve more then just me. Because I deserve more then just me.


And I'm scared...because it's not perfect and because I was crushed last time I tried. But I also know that I am not the same person I was then, and he is not the person that hurt me. There's going to be challenges and that's okay. Because that's life.

Right now, Jeff "Eff" went home for the night, the kids are in bed sleeping and I am left with my own worries and self doubts. But I know that I am changing and healing, and that no matter what we will be okay. And right now, that is enough for me.

Day 67: Zoo Part 2

There's been so rumbling about no animals at our beautiful zoo.

Lol - so in order to please all, here is a continuation of our zoo trip yesterday.

Alright - well - I just didn't take that many pictures of the animals, because they weren't in great positions like they have been on other times.

Noah did feed a squirrel chips, which was hilarious. And we all fed the giraffes, and pet the sting rays. 'Twas a good day.

Day 66: The world in my eyes

Just pictures from the zoo today :)

Day 65: What + what??

Mozzarella and Pesto Grilled Cheese on Wheat + 1 cup Healthy Start Potato Soup = 375 Calories

One beautiful sunset = One happy mama

One beautiful present for me +

One beautiful present for Bri (and one for Noah, but he's sleeping) + Jeff back from California =

One super happy mama.

Day 64: Success

Some days, are not good days.

Today was one of them.

Where I thought all day about what success means to me, and whether or not I consider myself successful.

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure. - George Edward Woodberry

And though I am still somewhat depressed, here's what I decided.

Success means something different to each different person. pp

I have never really cared about the amount of money in my bank account, the car I drive, the clothes I wear. I don't think that it matters in the end that I have a nice house are great stuff. Because when I die, it's just stuff that people will sit around trying to figure out what to do with.

But will my kids remember me as a loving, supportive, happy mom? Will they know I did everything I could to show them I love them, to teach them, to foster their talents and passions? Will I loved with my whole heart, and will the people around me know that I did?

One hundred years from now, it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much money I had in my bank account, nor what my clothes looked like, but the world may be a little better because I was important in the life of a child. - Unknown

Success is trying enough times that you achieve your goals. Not giving up, even when you really want to. Finding happiness when all seems lost.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby

And if that is the case, then I am succeeding. I've gotten up every time I've gotten beaten down. I've looked at death, minutes away from the end, and got up and changed my life. I love my babies with my all my heart and I tell them that every single day. I work to provide for them, and make a difference in other kids' lives in the process. What more could I ask for?


Additionally, this guy I think I'm seeing sent me this message today. While he chills at the beach without me. So wrong, but so sweet. I love it - so I thought I'd share!

Day 63: Darkness

The smile sits on her face of lies
Her heart screams, her spirit cries
This feeling is a familiar stranger
Reminding her her life's in danger.

In the balance, attached on a string
the hurtful words death they bring.
Creating chaos, civil unrest
Bring her mind to this unfair test.

Choose life her body screams in pain
but her heart feels nothing left to gain
The lonely, the hurt, it's all too much
So she chooses death on a hunch.

Goodbye cruel world and those dramatic endings
this time death will not be bending.
She closes her eyes, takes one last look
freezing the memory like a picture in a book.

And then she lets go, the end of her life
tragically young but so full of strife
But don't cry for her, at least not now
She'll find a new life, some day, some how.

Day 63: Talk About It Tuesday

This week I read Paper Towns by John Green.

I found it in the clearance bin at Borders and thought I'd give it a shot. Low expectations considering it was in the clearance bin.

It actually turned out to be an amazing book. Super well written, really interesting, and half way through I finally had to read the last page because it was killing me. Which means a good book for me.

The main character is a senior in high school, the book is all told from his point of view and he is real and someone you can relate to. His next door neighbor and forever, lifelong crush shows up in his room in the middle of the night and takes him on the adventure of his lifetime, for one night, and then disappears, leaving only clues behind. Will he find her? Is she dead? Is she in trouble? All things I desperately wanted to know.

Definitely recommendation from me.

In other news:

It was a beautiful day here. Seriously beautiful. These are some pictures I took on my drive to work.

And finally, dinner, of course.

Chicken Enchiladas

Super good, out of my cooking light under 30 minutes book. They were really good, and 2 = 350 calories-ish. I don't want to go look at the book for the exact), plus my fat free super cream. Yum!

Day 62: I hate my Brain

Dinner tonight:

Chicken Alfredo Pizza

Bolboi Pizza Crust, Shredded Chicken Breast, Refrigerator Alfredo Sauce, Spinach, Garlic, Red Pepper flakes, part skim Mozzarella = pure genius.

1/6 of the pizza - 350 calories.

Super Fast, Super easy, Super yummy.

I mentioned a while back that I totally cleared out and threw away almost everything in my house that was unhealthy or bad for us.

So I thought I would give you a peak of what my Fridge and Pantry to see what they look like now.

My fridge.

My Pantry.

Do you ever just wish you could shut your brain up?

Self doubt could possibly be the root of all evil.

Day 61: Crush Injury

Alright - technically - the new day hasn't started yet, so I am not late.

Now as to why I am so late.

I went on a date today. And I sit here and wonder if he would be offended or upset if I talked about it so publicly, so I suppose I won't for now.

But anyways, as it was wrapping up, and I picked up the kids, and we were saying goodbye, Bri was doing her normal, weird lots of questions and attention needing stuff. I was getting a bit annoyed with it, but was playing along.

As she was getting into the car for the 30th time, I ran around and slammed her door and was going to lock her in. Like to be funny for her.

And um...yea...I crushed her foot in the door.

I feel really, really, really horrible. They've got her all casted up and stuff. Crutches and everything. To make it worse, the talent show, in which she is supposed to be dancing in, is on Thursday. Meaning she may not get to be in it, depending on how quickly she recovers. She's devastated.
So we were in the ER until almost midnight - and that is why I am so late.

In other news, it's been raining here. It's really beautiful because it doesn't get really cold, it just rains and smells good.

Well....and makes my back yard a mud pit.

By the way, I make a cute kids.

Just sayin'.

Day 60: busy

I am currently sitting at my new friend's kitchen table, enjoying great company and good conversations. I have been here since 6pm and am having a blasty. I don't want to ruin the streak so I am writing real quick to tell you I love you all and will write more tomorrow.

Day 59: Want to Talk about Noah again?

Reasons I know something is wrong:

1. He never makes eye contact. With anyone. I can sometimes force him into it, but rarely.

2. He hates to be held, touched by most people, hugged, kissed, dressed, carried, helped out of the car, anything that requires a physical connection.

3. He gets stuck on things and can't let them go. Whether its an idea he keeps repeating over and over, on an object he refuses to put done and will carry all day and then into bed because he can't put it down.

4. He has absolute meltdowns that don't make any sense. He can go from fine to insanely angry and upset in a split second.


5. Angry for him consists of screaming, closed fist punching, slapping, throwing any and everything near him, biting occasionally, etc.

6. He growls and tries to bite strangers. Seriously.

7. There are times that I am actually afraid of him. Like today, when I tried to put his socks on and he actually, literally slammed the back of his head into my face and split my lip open.


That is my current list...I am sure there is more but today has been to hard as it is, I don't wanna think bout it anymore. I am genuinely, seriously concerned. The older he gets the more apparent it is becoming and the more serious it's getting. He literally attacked the guy at the door selling coupon books. Like full on turned into a dinosaur, roaring, stomping, then charging and tried to bite him. Most of today was spent with him trying to hurt someone in the house, me, Tammy, and Ally. I'm exhausted.

I did find him a pediatrician finally today, and made an appointment for March 11. But to get him services here, I have to go through a Developmental Pediatrician for an actual diagnosis, and all of them I talked to today don't take my insurance. So we are going to have to go through Phoenix Children's Hospital, which I have heard has a 6 month waiting list. So I guess I'm going to wait until his appointment and see if his doctor can get me a referral to someone that can help. At 3, he can go half day to a Developmental Preschool, that will work with him through the local school district. So I am going to call them next week to set up a screening.

I am also very excited because I found myself a new doctor and made an appointment to sign the consent to get my tubes tied. Then 30 days from the day I sign it, I can get it done! YAYYY YAYAYAY! Very excited about that.

I took the kids to see Gnomeo and Juliet tonight, because I was a little afraid to bring Noah home after the day he had. The movies is one place he will actually sit and be nice for an extended amount of time - so I like it there. The movie was cute, but i could have written a way better ending, they screwed that up.

And yea, that's it.

Day 58: Yum

Dinner: Chicken breasts, marinaded in steak sauce (15 calories a serving, not to bad), and grilled. Made extras so I could chop it up for salads this weekend. 4 ounces of meat and the sauce was about 140 calories.

Half a serving of rice - 1/2 cup cooked, which is a pretty hardy portion = 100 calories

2 servings of Green giant broccoli in a cheese sauce = 90 calories

Total - 330 calories.

And in case you were actually wondering. Yes, we eat off of paper plates. The reason you may ask?

A. A salad plate is really to small to fit veggies and all on, a dinner plate is to big, to tempting to fill. Styrofoam plates are like perfect size.

B. My garbage disposal may have come in contact with some fish rocks.

C. My dishwasher is cheap and lame.

D. I am wanting for my big fat couple months rent check to clear out to the landlord before I tell him about fixing my stuff. He's a super nice guy, but I've had him fix the air conditioner, the windows and the toilet already. So....just thought it'd help to butter him up and should only be another day or two now

And E. Before I started this health thing, I just hand washed the dishes. But evening are so chaotic here that it always ends up waiting until morning and then I'm grossed out, I hate coming out to a messy kitchen. So I was going to just use paper plates until it was fixed, but now I like them for portion control, until I get a grip on it more solidly.

Day 57: Amazing

Dominos is now awesome - in my book. They have a calorie calculator - where you can figure out exactly how many calories are in what you are eating.

AND

This really cool tracker - that tells you EXACTLY what is happening to your pizza. And who is doing what! So cool.

So I have been craving pizza, but didn't want to mess up the amazing job I've been doing and how awesome I feel. Both physically and emotionally. So I order:

One medium hand tossed (believe it or not, that is actually less calories then their thin crust - because: they use wheat flour in their hand tossed and the thin is white flour!) LIGHT cheese, light sauce, onion and ham pizza. For 2 pieces, or 1/4 of the pizza it was about 350 calories. And I had a huge salad with fat free croutons and 2 TBSP of honey mustard. It was DELICIOUS, guilt free and craving satisfied.

NOW

Presenting something some of you may have never even seen.

Yes. That's right. I smile.

I smile.

I am so incredibly happy. I feel amazing, my body is responding to my new life, my skin is clear, my heart is healthy. I feel strong and beautiful and confident.

AND

I smile. :)

I love you all and thank you, for those of you that stuck with me through the darkest time in my life, encouraged me, and made this lightest part worth it.

Kellee and Chelsea - you to are my heroes, my cheerleaders, and my friends. I love you both. Words could not express my gratitude for your support.

Kristi - I'm so happy to be developing this new relationship with you! You are so cool!

Jordan - I love you always.

Anyone else reading - Thanks for reading, and anything you might have done - because you all rock socks!

I think we should take a minute to make sure those most important to us, know how important they really are. I know I don't say it enough. So I figured publicly would be nice. But really, thank you. All of you.

Day 56: Double Ouch

Finally done.

It's not the perfect back piece or anything - but it was a cover up. So it had to be what it is and I love it.

I now proudly sport 7 tattoos, all cover-able for professionalism. I thought I would be done after today. But now the scorpion and butterfly look like crap, cuz they look all faded. So...looks like I'll be getting those redone now too.

Day 55: The bad with the good.

You want the good news or the bad news first?

The bad? Okay.

Noah is sick...again? still? Uh...something?

Only this time, we are up to 103.7 fever, already on antibiotics, and it's not good. I put some medicine in him and put him in my bed so I can keep an eye on the situation.

Keep you posted on that.

The other bad news?

My body feels a little like I imagine being stabbed in different muscles feels. Everything hurts. All over. Every way I move. And I fear might want to take a day off of the exercise - but won't.

The good news?

I have actually quit smoking...I think. I mean, I think once a smoker, you're always a smoker, like an alcoholic. So, it'll always be a temptation, big or small. But right now, I've conquered it. No patch in 2 days and no unmanageable cravings. Even at Tammy's where I watched Robert smoke all afternoon. It will be actually 2 weeks on Thursday since I quit, but I've been using the patch so I don't think it counts.

It has also been 2 weeks on Thursday since I have drank a soda. That one is more tempting. And I can't say I'm caffeine-less, because it's in my vitamins, and my supplement things. But no soda in. So...rockin!

The bad news?

I ate a cup of applesauce and half a special K 90 calorie cookie bar after dinner, even though I knew better. I'd already hit 1500 calories and shoulda been full. But my sweet tooth hit and I couldn't shut it up. So it was like 145 calories extra. I was mad at myself. But I also traced the source back to not eating a healthy afternoon snack. I skipped it since I was getting Bri...shouldn't have done that.

The good news?

I made a delicious dinner. I grilled steak and served it with spinach pesto and sauteed almonds and green beans. I didn't love the green beans, but the steaks and pesto was A+. The pesto was just 2 cups baby spinach, 2 Tbsp almonds, 2 Tbsp Parm cheese and 1 Tbsp minced garlic, blended with 2 Tbsp water and 1 Tbsp olive oil. Super super good.

I also fit in both work outs today. 30 minutes of Shred it w/Weights with Jillian Michaels this morning and 30 min of CardioMax with Bob Harper this evening. Yay!

How did you all do today?

Day 54: Ouch!

Today. Was. Spectacular.

I felt amazing, all day. Full of energy. Excited to be on the next journey in my life.

I woke up at 6am, completely unprompted, because: I slept last night! Woohoo!

Jumped outta bed, took a shower and made this delicious breakfast sandwich for myself.

This little darling features a whole wheat English Muffin (100 cal) , 1/4 cup of eggbeaters (30 cal), 2 slices of pre-cooked bacon (35 cal), 1 TBSP the healthy butter stuff I bought, I can't remember what it's called (45 cal), 1/2 part skim Mozzarella (45 cal), olive oil spray, pepper and onion powder.

Only took about 4 minutes to make and tasted Great!

I did my Yoga meltdown (Ouch!) and got the kids up and moving. Cleaned the whole house, including the bathrooms (Yuck! I hate that), and mopping the floors, and worked on the laundry.

Then Noah and I sat down and both ate a banana (90 cal) for a snack!

More laundry, more train track building, more singing with Bri to Justin Beiber.

Lunch! 1 and 1/2 slices of left over pizza from yesterday (400 cal)!

Trampoline!!!

So much fun! Such a good work out. Craziness ensued, chasing, bouncing, tunnels, rolling, dinosaur game and one almost broken finger later = sweaty!

Apples and peanut butter (270 cal) for snack!

Laundry folding, some computer, Disney channel.

And Dinner!

Chicken with Salsa Verde on Fettuccine

First, I will admit. I did not use whole wheat pasta. I'm sorry, I won't do it. I have never found a brand that didn't remind me of chewing on my dad's slippers. But I did measure out exactly one serving of pasta for each of us. And that is tricky.

Because you see. The back of the pasta pack says 1 portion is 1/4 of the bag of pasta. However, the nutritional information clearly states that a serving is 1/8 of the bag. Which is 210 calories. 1/4 of the bag is 420 calories. Pretty drastic difference.

So anyways, I combined all the things you see above to make a salsa verde. Pan seared some chicken breasts in olive oil. Put the chicken on the pasta, put the verde stuff on the chicken. And made some Green giant Broccoli with cheese sauce. Before you judge, 1 serving or 1/3 of the bag is only 45 calories. It steams right in the bag, is delicious, and my kids will eat it.

This is my plate - but I couldn't eat it all. It wasn't exceptional, but it was alright. If I make it again, I'll tweak it some, but wanted to share with you - since you all have unknowingly become my accountability partners.

Oh, and I drank, like, an unholy amount of water today. I still have to pee. :D