Day 43: Continues.......

Okay- Jordan talked me into. I'm really hyped up right now. Really. Like my brain won't stop and I have like 100 things on my mind. So I'll take her suggestion and make a line break every time I make a new thought and hopefully not let this get to far out of control.

Item #1 - Noah. Noah is sick. Again. Normal kid? Not an issue. My boy? Scary as hell. You see, Noah has been diagnosed with Discoid Eczema. A treatment resistant, rare form of eczema that has no research behind is and has no cure or even prognosis of healing. Yay us. But we've already talked about this. The thing is, when he gets sick, his little body's immune system is concentrating so hard on fighting the infections in his horribly broken out skin right now, that he can't fight the cold that he now has. So now he is very sick, with a fever that won't break and headed quickly towards dehydration. When we hit that, we'll end up in the hospital for a couple days. Which, we are on our way - his lips are drying out, tears are coming less often, and he is barely peeing. It's scary to have a kid like this. I will never forget when my doctor looked at me and told me that if Noah got the chicken pox while in full flare, it would kill him. It's so stressful. I can't help him, I can't fix him and for the most part, I deal with it all completely alone. I mean, I'm really glad I'm here, I have a pretty awesome support system, that will make this time a bit less stressful then previous times. But it's still stressful. And I bare the weight of his illness, his discomfort, his sadness, his pain, by myself. It sucks.

Item #2 - I want a frikkin cigarette. I have been a faithful, pack a day smoker for the last oh..7 years. And I've quit a couple times. But always start again. I feel like it's how I cope, because I have no coping skills. So yea, I'm going to quit. For reals. Because something clicked this morning. I realized that even though I am well passed the "I really want to down 5 bottles of pills" phase, I am still killing myself. Slowly, and probably more painfully. And I am not being the parent I want to be. So it's time for real genuine changes in my life. Smoking being a definitely must fix. So I bought Step 1: Nicoderm and am wearing one now. It could be making me spastic. But I've decided and when I decide, that's it.

Item #3 - on the same lines, I need to change my life. I drink 1000s of calories of soda, I eat without care, I don't exercise nearly enough, and I am going to end up extremely obese or dead. It's time to Stop. No more. Not now, not ever. I've ordered some books, one on self esteem, one on changing your life style, and a couple recipe books. I also ordered a treadmill and bought some weights. I think my other major purchase is going to be the wii fit again, because I absolutely LOVE Yoga and I like the wii fit's Yoga program. I have completely cold turkey quit the caffeine, and am excited to start running again. And to put it out there, my goal is to lose 80 pounds by Christmas. And not just because the scale says so, but because I want to be the fun, active mom my kids deserve.

Item #4 - there is a funny thing about being overweight. Whether it's 50 pounds or 500 pounds, there is a comfort that goes along with it. And a fear. The comfort is that you can eat whatever you want, you can excuse whatever you do, you can just exist. But there is more fear. There is a fear of losing the weight. I am not sure if I will explain this right, but I'm going to try. Here's the thing, when you win the lottery, all the sudden people want to be your friend. People want to date you, people want you. And suddenly you find yourself questioning who your real friends are. Because even though you've won the lottery, you still want to make new friends, you don't want to be isolated from everyone. But you can't trust anyone. It's kind of the same thing. I don't want to be alone. I want to get married and be in love forever. I want that more then I want anything right now. And I'm scared of what will happen when I'm in shape and suddenly meet the right standards. Would he have loved me before I looked this way? Would he have even talked to me? Probably not. Those doubts will eat away at me, I fear. I know I am capable of being healthy, and I remember very distinctly what it was like to fit in the cute jeans, and get the cat calls. And I know that it's not going to be that hard to get there again. But I am afraid by doing it, I'll always be alone. Is that retarded? Probably. Is it going to stop me? No. But it's real and it's there in the back of my mind. By being a better mother and a better version of me, I may alienate myself from the one thing missing in my life. Someone that just loves and wants to be with me.

Item #4 - I am officially a business owner. I own my own business. How amazing is that??? Michelle, the business owner. Granted, there are some downsides. I have to figure out my own taxes. And...um...okay, that's the only thing I can think of. And I'm sure my step father would freak out and think I am way to irresponsible to do this and all that good stuff. But I did it! I am a Developmental Specialist for all of Queen Creek, Apache Junction, and Gold Canyon. I service families that have children with Developmental Delays. I set my own schedule, I make my own hours, I take any and all clients that need my assistance. I make great money, for each hour I spend in a home and I already have 10 clients and have many more that are pending. I can write off my mileage, my computer, my office supplies, printer and ink, and whatever else I need. I send in bi-weekly reports and receive bi weekly pay checks. I keep a file folder of receipts, pay stubs and mileage information, of client information, and of plans for the kids I service. This - is - an - amazing - career. This is what I have been waiting for. This is so much fun. And today - I got my home office set up. Everything is organized. I have everything I need to work as a contractor. And I can write it all off at the end of the year. I love my job.

Item #5 - Isn't funny how attitude/outlook impacts everything you do?? Everything was so bad in Wyoming. Nothing worked out the way I needed it to, let alone wanted it to. I couldn't survive, couldn't keep my house clean, couldn't get a real job, couldn't be the person I knew I was. I looked around today when I got home and thought "Jeez! What a mess!" and got right to cleaning up. And then I had a chuckle over what I consider a mess now. The floors were all vacuumed, the lines still fresh from the last time. The bathrooms were are clean and completely company acceptable. There was not a dirty dish on the counter and nothing on the kitchen table. The "mess" was play money that Noah had gotten out this morning that I hadn't been home to put away, and some wrappers that Nelly got out of the garbage can while I was gone. The living room/kitchen probably could use a mop, but not because anyone else would notice. I love my house so much. I am proud that I live here and while no one ever really comes over, I still want it to be clean for me. Because I love it here. I love everything about living here.

I miss Jordan and Chelsea and Kellee and my cat that doesn't piss all over my clothes. Unlike the asshole cat I threw outside yesterday. And I miss the mountain, and the yellow and red leaves. But I love this place. I love my house, my job, my back yard. I love Bri's school, being close to Tammy, the zoo. I love feeling alive and proud of myself. And I love the one that I have or will meet, that will complete my life puzzle. Because he will love all these things too. And I love me. It's time I start showing myself that.

The end.