Day 41: Manic Monday

For some reason, I can't seem to get excited about writing here today.

I think partly it is because I haven't slept in 4 days, partly because I don't know what I want to write about, and partly because I desperately and passionately want a Code Red Mountain Dew but can't go get one because Noah is asleep and it's driving me insane.

So I just decided to tell you - I love tattoos. Like, passionately. I have 4. Much to my mother's dismay! And I want more! More more more more! (Thanks April, for the inspiration).

(I played Second life for like a week, and this was my skanky - yet awesomely tattooed avatar. No worries, I came back to real life might quickly. And yes, if I were skinny and hot, I'd totally dress like this. Hahahaha)

Tattoos really don't have anything so do with diseases or disorders, but they can be addicting, and still have a bad wrap. Which I think is absurd. Jeez - I thought absurd was spelled ubsurd - thank goodness for spell check. Which has now underlined my version of ubsurd...twice.

(I have one tattoo on each ankle - the Chinese symbols for Strength and Courage)

Tammy's son has tattoos everywhere, fingers, hand, arms, chest..and wants more, even one on his throat. A few years ago, I might have thought he was insane. But now, I respect his choices and his ability to express himself without shame. He doesn't care what people think about him, or his tattoos because he likes them. How freeing.

(My awesome sunburn - I also have a butterfly with Bri's name and a Scorpion with Colby's name)

So, I think I have decided to finally fix my Colby tattoo, and get my Noah tattoo. I'm going to find an artist that can put on paper what is in my head to make my back frikkin awesome.

Because, after all...tattoos are just artwork. Beautiful artwork, that tells a story.

P.S. This totally qualifies as Manic Monday - cuz this is the most random, manic blog I've written in a while.)

Day 40: An angel walking

As you can probably tell, I have spent the last couple days going through my last boxes. Boxes that have moved with me over and over again, that occasionally get things thrown into them, but never get opened.

They are my memory boxes. I have one, maybe two, more posts after this one, and then the memories will be packed back into the closet, to be left again for years to come. That post will have to wait, as tomorrow is Manic Monday...but I am looking forward to sharing the other little treasures I have found.

Today, however, I want to share the most wonderful woman to ever walk the face of the Earth. A couple years ago, I realized that her time was running short, and I asked her to write down her life for me. To share it with me, so that I could pass it on to my children, who loved her dearly.


She did as I asked, and handed them over to me. And the papers went into "the box", and I haven't looked at them since. I blogged about my grandma, in February when she was dying (if you are interested, click HERE to read it), and shared a little bit about how important she was to me. But I would like to share today, some things she said in her own words.

"There were so many happy memories for me. I have to say I had a wonderful marriage and a beautiful family. Of course, our children were the joy of grandpa and my life."

"I remember when John Dillinger, the gangster got killed at the theater on the North side of Chicago. So me and my two friends went to see the blood on the sidewalks."

"I met grandpa in March of 1942, he proposed in May. We got married June 13, 1942. God has someone for you in the world, and grandpa was mine. We never went to bed without saying I love you. It just seemed like we were soul mates. I was so stubborn though. I would get so mad I wouldn't talk to him, but he would just let me stew until I came around."


"I remember when grandpa and I got our first car in 1947. It was a 1942 Plymouth. I didn't drive then. Grandpa did all the driving. We were able to finally go visit our relatives and friends."

"When Disneyland opened in Anaheim California, we took the children there. We would spend the whole day there. Grandpa loved to take the children on all the rides. We ate dinner there and there was so much to see. We also went to Magic Mountain Amusement Park. Again, grandpa loved the high roller coasters. I was afraid to go with him and the children on the high rides. I loved the safe rides on the ground."

"When I was working, I loved to go shopping. I loved to buy stylish clothes to wear to the office where I worked. Grandpa always called me a shopaholic!"

"We had fond memories of Christmas in Wyoming at the Flynn house. It was a joy to see Brian and Shelly's faces at Christmas."

"I have 11 great grandchildren. Quite a family. Brian and Melanie will have a baby in November. That will make 12 great grandchildren."

"Life has been so good to me. I had a wonderful and loving husband for 62 years and loving children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. So many folks are not as blessed as I have been. I am living in Primrose Assisted Living in Wyoming and my grandchildren still call me and see how I'm doing and always tell me they love me. I feel so sorry for the folks who have a great family like I am blessed to have."

She was my best friend, my role model, my hero, my secret keeper, my advocate, my Grandmother.

I was so incredibly lucky to have her in my life and not a day goes by that I don't miss her.

At some point, I will sort through all these papers and get it typed up properly for the kids. But for now, they go back into the box, to be moved from house to house. A gift to me, from her, to keep her memory alive in my heart forever.

Day 39: Dealing with the past

Once upon a time, I was part of a big family. One I couldn't wait to go visit in the summers. I remember hating the drive, but loving the destination.

My grandpa's house always smelled wonderful, and had an big, loud floor clock that chimed every hour. He had a garden with rhubarb in it that the rabbits always ate, and a basement that scared the heck out of me.

He lived close to my favorite cousin in the whole world, Brad. His older brother was closer to my age, but I always got along better with Brad. Man, I loved that kid. I remember his mom being the sweetest woman ever and his dad selling Arizona tea. I remember Anne, had schnauzer dogs and Doug, my uncle looking just like my dad. And I remember how happy she was when she had her daughter.

I remember summers on the lake, with Matt, Amanda, and Paul. Matt was my best friend growing up. And man did we get ourselves in all sorts of messes. I remember setting fires in the weeds and swimming and fishing tournaments. I remember Amanda thinking I was the coolest thing ever, and Matt and I always trying to hide from her (no offense, Amanda, if you read this - you've grown into such a beautiful woman). I remember tire swings in the summer, and their big dog that always chased our car.

And I remember my dad. Who loved to fish and hunt. Who loved us kids. Who loved his best friend, John, and his family.

But my dad's life was cut short. An accident at his work. One that forever changed the course of my life, and others.

After he died, I only saw that family twice. They were gone. It was over. I don't even know them now, and all they know of me is speculation and stories. I don't even know if my grandpa is still alive, where any of them live, how their lives have been. Except for what I get to see on Facebook now.

And I miss them. I miss all of them. There is no way to get that life back, it will never be. And I think part of me has avoided dealing with that reality for the last 15 years. But the reality is that life deals us all different cards. Things we don't expect, we never see coming. All we can do is make the most of what we have and continue to move forward.

So Brad, Corey, Rachel, Nathan, Matt, Amanda, and Paul, John and Leah, Cathy and Rod, Anne and Doug, Grandpa, if any of you ever read this - I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a childhood full of great and happy memories. When I look back, you all come to mind, and I smile thinking of you.

Day 38: Things I'm proud of

Before Noah was born, I spent a lot of time failing. Enrolling in college, quitting college, moving around, working crap jobs, etc.

Exhibit A: My transcripts. In May of 2008, I was carrying a 1.68 GPA.

But when I had Noah, everything in my life changed. I realized I needed to grow up, make a difference, take care of my kids. Some thing weird happens when you go from 1 kid to 2, it seems like your responsibility doesn't just double, but exponentially gets bigger. So I enrolled in college, one last time.

Amongst my naysayers, were members of my own family, friends, and the advisers at the college. I was going to try to do it to fast, I was going to waste the last of my money, I never see things through, it's never going to happen. And yet...semester after semester...I proved them all wrong.

Exhibit B: I made the Presidential Honor Roll for 4 semesters in a row.

Exhibit C: I graduated with my Bachelor's Degree only 2 years later...with a 3.46 GPA.And carried a 4.0 for the last 2 full semesters. (Missed the other 2, because of a B in Math and a B in Biology- Grr)

But it wasn't enough to just get my Degree, I had to take 5 separate national standardized tests to prove my knowledge.

My lowest score was 9 points from perfect. A passing score was 156.

And I was certified. Not certifiable. Though probably that too.

The sad part about it was that no matter how hard I worked, how well I did, how impressed my professors were, I still didn't feel good enough. When I got my Bachelor's Degree, not one person called to celebrate with me. The people that should have been so excited and proud...weren't. And it made me feel worthless.

But guess what!?!

I'm not worthless, and what I did was amazing and pride worthy. And not a day since I received my degree have I really gotten to be proud.

So today, having finally gotten the career I've been waiting for, that pays what my degree makes me worth, I am proud.

I no longer care that she couldn't return my phone call. I no longer care that he hasn't tried to talk to me, or even acknowledge how much he hurt me. I don't care that they aren't proud of me like they should be or that they have never accepted me for me. Because I am proud of my self. And my worth depends only on me.

Day 37: Story Time

Story time is super important around here. Noah won't even go to bed without reading at least 2 stories.

His current favorites are "the turtle book" and Chika Chika Boom Boom. Though they are subject to change, at any moment.

And let me tell you, he has a comment for every single page, every single sentence read. I thought it might be fun to record one of our story times, to be able to look back on some day. So here it is...for your listening pleasure.

P.S. The video was WAY to big to upload anywhere, so I used some trial software to downsize it. This made the video not really match the audio, since I had to change the frames per second or minute or whatever. But the video wasn't great anyways, because of the only place I could prop the camera. So - Enjoy listening. Not watching. :)

Day 36: Wordless Wednesday

Day 35: Talk about it Tuesday

Tuesday - book day!

This week I read The Perfect Fit, by Louise Kean.

I have had this book for a while, but never really wanted to read it. You see, my weight is a constant issue, in my head and in everyday life. And this book deals with this issue.

The basic plot line is that Sunny Weston had been overweight her entire life. She had struggled with low self esteem and turned to food rather then other healthier options. But the book begins when she had lost almost 100 pounds and was almost to her goal weight. It follows her through struggles with friends, as they are suddenly bitter and jealous. She struggles with the relationship she had always wanted, and finally got, but only because he saw her as more then a friend after she lost the weight. When a traumatic event puts her on a crash course with a strange and anti social man...well..it's interesting.

I have to say - I loved the story. But I am not sure that I loved the writing. It was a bit tough to get through, details in places I didn't necessarily feel like there should be, and not enough in places that I wanted more.

So, I guess I don't know if I'd recommend it or not. But it was good for me to read.

Day 34: Manic Monday!

It's that time again - Manic Monday! Where we talk about disorders, diseases, and misunderstandings.

Today, rather then than talk about myself - I'd like to talk about my son, Noah.

Noah has Acute Numular Eczema. ooooh...big and bad right? Chances are, you know someone who has eczema or whose kid has eczema. But have you known anyone that has been kicked out of a public pool, or had child protective services called on them for burning their child, or being accused of abuse in the wal-mart check out line? And as that person pops into your mind, you are now thinking about a recommendation to give me that worked for them.

Let's see:

Aveeno ("you know that lotion/soap/cream that has oatmeal in it?")

Baby oils/Olive oil/Oatmeal in the bath water ("My grandmother used to put it in a sock")

Wet wraps ("get his jammies wet and put them on him after a bath, did you know it moisturizes the skin?")

Hydrocortizone creams, of all varieties ("My friend has a kid who has eczema and they got a prescribtion for extra strong cream, have you been to a doctor?")

And my personal favorite:

Homeopathic remedies (My sister's friend's brother's wife is a homeopathic doctor and could really help, it's just an enema a day and goats milk)


But guess what -my son is a freak! None of these things, and more, help him.

So let's back up. When Noah was 10 months old, he grew a fungus looking patch on his head. Took him to the doctor, did a biopsy, and guess what? Not fungus. It was no big deal, it didn't bother him. They gave me some oil and sent him home. The oil dissolved it and life went on.

A month later - his entire body broke out in crazy, itchy, infected rashes. His face, his body, his arms, his fingers, his legs, his feet, his toes. Took him to the doctor, which started him on a course of no return. We went through medicines, creams, prescriptions, baths, antibiotics, antihistamines, etc.

Finally, the pediatrician gave up. Sent us to a specialist, a dermatologist. Where we ran another gauntlet of antibiotics, prescriptions, antihistamines, and baths.

So I went to a homeopathic doctor. Who said he had leaky gut. Put him on a strict diet of goat's milk and natural probiotics and enemas. He just kept on getting worse.

Finally, the dermatologist gave up. Sent us to the leading eczema program at a hospital in Denver when Noah was 17 months old. Did I mention this entire time, Noah was not sleeping...or eating....or even happy? He'd scratch himself til he was pouring blood, scream at even the littlest inconvenience.

Went to the hospital for 2 weeks. We got there and were told, by the leading eczema specialist in the country, that this was definitely related to allergies and he would get allergy tested and everything would be fine.

Guess what?

No allergies. At all.

Doctors were baffled. Gave us some ideas on how to treat it but told me there was no cure, and that the things they taught me would provide some minimal comfort.

Fast forward...through another year of living with this child that is miserable all the time...A new doctor moved to the town I lived in, he was insane and ridiculous but knew his stuff. Prescribed us a medicine that actually helped. It didn't cure it, but it did help some. and lo and behold - the shit is 500 dollars for a 3 ounce bottle, and not covered by medicaid.

And so here we are. Living with eczema.

Noah is an amazing, funny, sweet child, with a good heart. I love him to pieces. But he is also incredibly quick to anger, unfocused, and miserably itchy most of the time. He barely sleeps and scratches himself until he bleeds. And there is no cure, no guarantee it will ever get better (as non-allergy related eczema is incredibly rare in small children).

I get tired, overwhelmed, frustrated beyond belief. Some nights, we get no sleep at all. I give up some days and start over the next. My daughter gets ignored for the sake of her brother. Noah gets indulged because I can't even begin to imagine the pain he goes through every day. But he is not going to die, he does not have a life ending disease, and so I know it could always be worse and so I am happy to have what I do have.

I have been judged a lot, and criticized for my son. But I write this entry for you, hoping that maybe the next time you see a parent that looks a little to tired, that is frustrated and ready to give up, offer them a helping hand, or a smile, or a word of encouragement. Because you never know what they are dealing with behind closed doors.

Day 33: Zoo Withdrawls

I was recently told that someone had never met anyone that loved the zoo as much as I do. They said that the excitement the zoo caused me was almost abnormal.

Well, it's true. I LOVE the zoo.

These animals absolutely amaze me. I can never get over seeing these amazing creatures in one place - from all over the world.

Especially Rhinos. I love Rhinos. So much.

I really love the Phoenix so because of the nature of the animals. They are all at the zoo because they can not survive in the wild for one reason or another. These aren't captured animals that long for their old homes. They are genuinely there because they would die anywhere else.

And they are really great about stopping and answering questions and providing hands on experiences. We have fed giraffes and sting rays, ridden a camel, had up close views with new koalas, and fed and brushed goats.

My wonderful friend Tammy actually got us annual passes to the zoo for Christmas. I've only gotten to use it once, because unfortunately, it's about an 40 minute drive to the zoo.

I miss it - it's time to go back.

Day 32: Self Portrait/Muffins!

So it is January 22. Which means it's been exactly one month since I last took a picture of myself. I have to say, I'm not overly thrilled with this part of the project. But, I vowed to see this through, so here I am.

Not much else today, we went to Tammy's for dinner, let the kids play and made plans for tomorrow. We also made yummy muffins! Lemon Poppyseed.

Day 31: Eye see you

Today was just another day. Nothing spectacular - unless you considering vacuuming, moping, laundry, re-writing my cover letter, applying for what feels like a billion jobs, bath, play time and meals spectacular.

But I did get to spend it with my babies - which is pretty spectacular.

The All Seeing Eye

A diva in the making

Noah scaling Mount Bathtub. P.S. that's not like pee water - it's those color dye tablets. We are down to only yellows.

Barbies....on the table

"In my choo choo train"

Day 30: Look a Book!

Guess what! One month in to Project 365!

Yes, that's right - we made it through the first 30 days!

Ever heard of the book: The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

Odds are, you have. Eric Carle is a really neat Childrens' book illustrator and sometimes an author. His pictures are created using almost solely tissue paper, by layering it to achieve the desired color and texture.

But even neater then that, is a project called Kohl's Cares.

Kohl's Cares is a project that is involved with Kids' education and health, breast cancer awareness and support, and advancing environmental solutions.


If you go to Kohl's they have stands set up, with 4 different childrens' books and matching stuffed animals. In December, they featured Dr. Seuss. We managed to snag How the Grinch Stole Christmas and the grinch stuffed animal. Each book and animal is only $5!

Featured now is Eric Carle books. I got two of them, but there are two others as well as the stuffed animals. And let me just say - the tortoise is adorable!

So anyways - you can read more about it here (click the word here)

Also, you can purchase these guys right here (click the word here).

Just thought I'd mention this - because most of you have kids and its a great, cheap way to build up your library for them while supporting a good cause! Noah absolutely loves the Tortoise book and makes me read it every night!

Day 29: Wordless Wednesday

Day 28: Talk about it Tuesday!

Yes, My next themed day!

As some of you may know - I am a HUGE movie fan. I also LOVE to read.

My goal is to read one book a week - though that doesn't happen as much as I'd like. So once a week, I will either review a book or a movie I read or watched that week and let you know what I think!

If you have suggestions, I'm always open to them!

This week, I read Salvation In Death by J.D. Robb.

This is an ongoing series by the widely popular Nora Roberts. Under her alias, J.D. Robb, to my nearest count, she has written 47 books in this series. I have read almost of them, with the exception of the last 7 or so, starting with this one.

The neatest thing about this series is the ability to follow one character throughout her life. The people she meets, the crimes she solves, her relationship and ultimate marriage, her past. Of course it's over indulgent and definitely a little to happily ever after, but I love them!

Salvation in Death did not disappoint. Lieutenant Eve Dallas is a cop in 2060, after the Urban Wars, in the age of auto chefs, drying tubes, flying cars, licensed prostitutes, and fake coffee beans. In this episode of the series, a priest (or...is he?) is poisoned by the wine from communion in front of a packed church. Her investigation leads through a tangled web of lies and fake IDs and face work, and ultimately, the murder of a big, hokey televangelist type preacher, in a very similar fashion (that she suspects from the get go to be a copy cat).

Lots of twists and turns. A complex plot that keeps you guessing until the very last chapter. And its a pretty light read, I finished it in a matter of a couple hours total.

If you are interested in this series - the first book is called: Naked in Death.

And you can see a complete list - here! (Click the word here)