The very real

When faced with situations that one doesn't know how to deal with - what is there to do but push forward and deal with it? I learned today that I am not superwoman, I can not handle everything, and that I have found myself in a situation that I don't know how to deal with.

The best woman to ever live, the woman that changed my diapers, that kept my secrets, that loves me unconditionally - is dying. Not in the quasi we are all dying kind of way - the very real, maybe a couple months to live - kind of dying. My grandmother is the most beautiful, loving, amazing woman to ever walk the Earth. She is my hero, my role model, my best friend. And she's going to leave this Earth.

I know that her life was full and happy and wonderful. I once asked her if she ever had any regrets and she told me absolutely not. That she wouldn't change a thing. She loved a man with all her heart since she was 19, and stayed married to him until the day he passed, in 2004. She has three children that would take her place if they could. And while my mom, my daughter and I cried on her hospital bed, she rubbed our heads and told us that everything was okay and that its just her time and that she loves us so much. SHE comforted us. SHE is the rock. She's always been my rock.

And yet, I am not comforted. I am not okay. I am not ready to say goodbye. I am scared and I don't want to live without her in my life.

She changed my life. She made me a better person. She stayed a constant when every thing else was chaos. She believed in my when no one else did. And today, she said she was going to will herself to stay alive to see me graduate college in May. She NEVER gives up me, even when everyone else has.

How do you find peace when you feel absolutely none? How do you go on when you want to just not? How to you get out of bed when you feel so much like not?