Day 85: Some things on my mind

So I've had some things on my mind.

I'm not really sure when I've had time to have things on my mind, but I have.

The first involved something that makes me shiver just thinking about it. Jobs for Natrona County School District are about to open. First year teachers in NCSD make over 44 thousand a year.

That....is tempting.

Bri and I have had some pretty serious discussions about this.

Now - there are so many variables here. Would I even get an interview, let alone a job offer?

Didn't happen last year.

But let's talk it out. Moving means leaving Tammy and Colby. Moving means leaving Bri's new school and friends. Moving means leaving this house. Moving means leaving Arizona.

Moving means....going to back to the place that took so much from me...and almost cost me my life.

It would also mean being financially stable and independent. So maybe those things wouldn't happen again.

But...as Bri and I ultimately decided: You can't put a price on your sanity. You can't put a price on having help with your kids.

I wish I could get a really stable income here. Though I am hopeful that is working itself out as I type. I wish I had a relationship with my family, though I have given up hope on that ever being what I wish for. I wish that could meet someone that loved us for us and didn't need us to change to be good enough, but I can't make any of the 3 of us anything but what we are.

And so...I guess I won't be applying for jobs back home.


Secondly, I love the sunsets here. I was looking over pictures today that I have taken and am still in awe of how beautiful they are. I wish I remembered to stop and watch them more. I think I will make a point to do that.

Thirdly, the following pictures were taken sometime between 12-2am this morning. When my son was again wide awake. I'm so beyond tired of this middle of the night stuff. I've paid my dues, he's three years old, I should get to sleep through the night. Just saying.

The good news is - I have the referral process started - so hopefully a diagnosis and services are in our near future.

My son's skin sucks. The referral to the specialist, so we can get him back on his medicine is also in the process. I think that getting this back under control will help with the sleeping thing. Because he wakes up from scratching himself til he bleeds.

Finally, while make all these tough decisions, I have really been hurting because I miss my beautiful grandma. She always had the best listening ear and thoughts to share.

I can hear her telling me to follow my heart, to trust it to lead me the right way. But I wish I could hear her say it. Just one more time.

I miss her. A lot.