First things first. I need to tell you that I have decided that I don't have to post every single day to complete Project 365. I realize that is kind of the point of the thing, but my life just doesn't always work like that. I'm a single mom, with two kids, trying to support myself and get my Master's Degree. Sometimes, I just don't have the time or energy. So if you have noticed my erratic postings lately, that is why.
Now, to the point of my blog today.
Things I want to believe in. I'm not sure why - but this has been on my mind for two days. So I decided to share.
1. God. This has been sort of a rehashed topic. But I want to say something here. I WANT to believe there is a god. I WANT to believe in the christian bible. Once upon a time I believed it with all my heart. But then things started happening. Things I could not understand. I was denied a job because my sin was to public. Living with a man outside of marriage. Granted, one of the teachers was leaving at lunch to get stoned in the gas station parking lot, and another had a drinking problem. But those sins are secret. The pastor of my church refused to marry us because it was my second marriage. I was sabatoged at my job by a fellow christian. And treated sub-human by the people that should have been the most important. Made to feel like I was worthless So much so that I actually believed they wanted me to kill myself. And I almost did.
So I looked at all this and I realized, that I don't want any part of that god. or that bible. or religion. But even now, even today, I want to believe it is real. That there is some higher power out there that loves us and one day will fix all this. I want to believe that my good intentions and effort are not for nothing. But I can't. No matter how hard I try.
2. Relationships with the opposite sex. Not to be confused with love. Because I absolutely believe in love. I unconditionally love my children. I love my dog. I love my cousin. I know love exists. What I don't know I believe in is Relationships, like marriage. I question the entire institution of it. A year ago, all I wanted to do it get married and live happily ever after. But that obviously didn't work out. And then I think about the people I know that are in relationships. I'm not going to use any examples, because I think it would be offensive. But let's just say I can think of very few that I would want to be in their shoes in this department. Perhaps my grandparents are the only reason I think it might be possible, and that was a different era, a war they lived through, a belief in forever, in not giving up just because it got hard. Now it gets hard and people just...walk away. Leave the people that love them behind. Prime example: My son still asks for his daddy almost every single day. And then gets sad and says he went to work and never came home. How the hell do I explain that to him. That he gave up because it was hard? It's so unfair and I really question whether or not there is such a thing as a healthy relationship that lasts for the long term in this world.
3. An economic recovery. I am a good teacher. I have the potential to be a great teacher. But at this moment, I am drowning in debt, bad credit and a rent I can't pay. In another month or two, I'm going to be facing homelessness. So how does a person with a Bachelor's Degree, great references and amazing test scores get here? A shit economy. No jobs, insane gas prices, a bad economy. I want to believe it will get better, but gas prices never go back down. Government spending in the wrong places is never going to stop. Teachers are getting the axe, schools are getting shafted, and a potentially great teacher is going to lose everything, including the potentially hundreds of children who's lives she could have changed. I'm hoping above hope that the economy recovers, but there's no indication of that in the near future.
So that's it, my top 3 things I want to believe in. :)
0 comments:
Post a Comment