Day 126: Talk about it Friday

So, I've actually read like 5 books in the last 2 or 3 weeks. I had one book left in my pile of unread. I grabbed it when I threw Noah in the bath. It was one of those 1.99 books I grabbed outta the bin at Walmart without knowing anything about it.

I started it at 6:30 and was done with it by 9. I had to finish it, because it had me slightly freaked out. It was...creepy. But not in a real realistic kind of way. I don't recommended it, unless you are looking for a 1.99 cheap book to read when you have nothing better to do. And even then...I don't really think I'd recommend it. I'll try to get up the patience or desire to actually review some of the books I've been reading lately. But not today.

Day 125: Bri Dances

Day 124: Random

Here's a collection of random thoughts I an having right now.


1. Jim Carrey looks gaunt. Like way to skinny.

2. Bri stays up way to late these days.

3. I'm going to passionately and desperately miss Tammy when we leave here. I can't imagine going back to life without her.

4. I have the best dog in the world. She guards us, she loves us. She's a damn good dog.

5. I want to teach. I want to be part of a classroom, of a school, of a district. I know, I KNOW, that I will be a great teacher...I just gotta get someone to give me a chance.

6. My son is so stinkin adorable. But it really upsets me that he can be so mean. I hate when he hits Tammy more then anything.

7. I love Almond Snickers Bars.

Day 123: Have you seen this?

I finally rented Black Swan (It came out today!). I've been wanting to see it for a while.

So as the previews were going through, this one movie caught my attention, it's called 127 hours. It's like an indie film that got amazing reviews and is nominated for a ton of awards, and it stars James Franco.

The story sounds familiar...guy stuck in a mountain in Utah for 6 days and he ultimately cuts his own arm off.

So I looked it up online, as I'm one to do. And ran across this video. OMG. You gotta watch it. I recommend not watching it, because I feel like stabbing my eyes out, but you should watch it anyways!

Day 122: Numbers

I have been told, several...SEVERAL...times recently:

Getting a good/teaching job in this economy is a numbers game.

Well, shoot - why didn't someone tell me that earlier?

I'm great with numbers! If it's a numbers game, I can totally play.

I just did this tonight, and that was just on one website. I think I sent out about 15 more resumes via e-mail.

But I started to get confused about where I had applied and where I hadn't - and where I looked and where I hadn't. So the numbers game has become all statistical and whatnot. The places with black X's either don't have jobs, or I have applied for every job I'm eligible for in it.

I'm certainly not done yet - lots more states to go.

If only someone so wise had told me about this game to begin with!

Day 121: Happpy Zombie Day!

We had a good day. Did you?

I don't have much to say - but tons of pictures - so .... Enjoy!

day 120: Adventures in potty training...Part 1.

So as you're all aware - I've been seriously pursuing a teaching job in remote locations, i.e. the bush in Alaska and geographically isolated places in Hawaii.

When one seriously considers these types of life changes, one starts to have weird crazy thoughts about what to get done before you may be able to go.

What has been lingering on my mind?

My son's unwillingness to potty train.

I'm thinking - how hard will it be to find someone to watch this little tornado in the bush? And how much harder would that be if he was a 3 year old in diapers?

Weird, eh?

So I did it. I bought a potty and lots of "panties"

hahahaha. I tried to tell him that they were called undies for boys, but he insists on calling them his panties.

I got all his undies opened up, talked him through it, opened the potty and he immediately sat on it.

After about a minute - he peed!!

We clapped, we cheered, we emptied the potty and put it back together.

He sat on the potty and peed - Again! We cleaned it, cheered, clapped.

He sat down and peed....again...

third verse same as the first.

This was all in 5 minutes, by the way.

So I'm thinking, holy crap! How easy!

I ask him if he has to go again, he says no. So we put the undies on, and go out to the garage because we were going to Tammy's. I run back inside to grab my phone, come back out and guess what?

Noah peed....all over the garage.

Sigh.

We come back inside, change clothes, sit on the potty again, put new undies on and leave.

We get to Tammys and Noah wanted to go out and play. Being the diligent mom I am, I stop him and ask, do you want to go in and potty first?

Ummm No. And he's off.

10 minutes later, he pees...and poops...in his underwear.

Awesome.

Day 119: A lotta good it'll do ya...

Did your parents ever tell you to go to college?

To get a good job, you gotta get a college education?

Turns out - that's a LIE. A big furry fat one.

Okay, okay...apparently I just picked a bad degree....and the economy happens to be in a recession right now...and yadda yadda.

But seriously, if I fill out one more online application...I might FREAK out.

I've now applied at:

Natrona Country School District - Wyoming

Laramie County School District - Wyoming

Lebanon Community School District - Oregon

Jefferson School District - Oregon

Every district in Alaska

Every district in Hawaii

Tons of schools in Arizona


I have also searched for jobs in:

Maryland

Georgia

South Dakota

Montana

Texas

Colorado


And I'm kinda feeling...spent.

Day 118: Country Strong

(I've not been in the blogging mood lately, can you tell?)

I just watched the movie Country Strong. Have you seen it?

Talk about D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-N-G

Like majorly. I thought it was going to be one of those feel good, everyone wins movies. Yea, that wasn't the case. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

I do have to say - the movie wasn't the greatest for several reasons.

1. It was choppy. Like it jumped around in weird places. So events didn't really make a lot of since.

2. The back story took to long to come out. Like - over halfway into the movie, I still didn't know why she was so depressing. Just bits and pieces.

3. It kind of like...promoted suicide as being the answer. It like...ended her problems and catapulted everyone else into making the right choices. That was weird.

Anyways - Have you seen it? What did you think?

Day 117: Nebulizer

Have you ever had a nebulizer treatment? They are fabulous - you sit there and breathe in and out of this tube while there is a loud humming coming from a weird bag-like machine. The end results leaves you feeling jittery, jumpy, shakey - and able to breathe again.

I can't stand that feeling, the jittery meth-head feeling. It really irritates me.

But alas...I have bronchitis and an asthma flare. My throat hurts from coughing so much, so I got a prescription for cough syrup with codeine, my lungs hurt, so I got a prescriptions for a Z pack, and I'm having trouble breathing, so back on breathing treatments.

At least I had the good thought process to bring my nebulizer. Even though I hate it.

Day 116: Overwhelmed

Looks like we are moving to a more affordable place.

Looks like I'm applying at jobs like Home Depot.

Looks like I'm feeling so overwhelmed.

I'm so tired of this.

Day 115: Colby's Birthday

Colby's birthday is in 3 days, the 19th. How well I remember that day. The decision, the complications, the hurt, the relief.

And how weird it is to think it's been 6 years already.

Today we celebrated. I looked around at everyone there, and realized, everyone there knew. And suddenly, I felt super awkward...and didn't belong there. With this family.

But if I don't belong there...with them. And I don't belong with my real family...where does that leave me? No where. I don't belong anywhere.

Anyways - we didn't stay at the party long. Noah threw a handful of dirt in the eyes of the infant's (that Tammy babysits) father. Then hit the baby. He was pretty much an all around jerk. And as I said, for some reason, this huge amount of uncomfortable-ness hit me. So, we not so gracefully (thank you Noah), made our exit.

But I got some pictures to share anyways.

Day 114: An interesting thought

(These are obviously not my pictures - I just like them. I give google image the credit)

So the last couple days, I've been having this weird, brief facebook conversation with some girl I've never met.

Weirdly, it's sort of made me think about some things.

I used to ask K all the time about eternity and what would happen after he died. And it bothered me very much that he didn't really care. I would passionately argue about his eternity in hell and he would just look at me and say, "eh". That used to break my ultra religious heart. I couldn't "save" him, no matter how passionately and convincingly I relayed my message. I could not understand why it didn't bother him, at all.

And today, I figured it out.

The thing is - no matter how persuasively someone argues or discusses their opinion or beliefs, if you don't believe in it - their belief in their afterlife just doesn't matter. If hell doesn't exist in your belief, then no matter how much someone talks about it, it isn't scary. There is nothing scary about it.

One of the comments said to me (I'm cliff noting here because I'm too tired or lazy to go get the exact quote) was "Laugh now because there's no laughing in hell" or something like that. And for some reason, this struck me as such an absurd and funny thing to say. Of course I'll laugh now, that's what living is about. Laughing often, loving, caring, joking, smiling, coping, surviving, enjoying. Because this is it. This is the life you have. So why would you not make the most of it?

Hell doesn't scare me, because I adamantly do not believe it is there. That is why all of my passionate christian arguments didn't matter to K. If you don't believe something, it doesn't upset or bother you to think about. But you know, every once in a while, I wonder if maybe I've just..."backslidden", if maybe I do still believe in god and the bible and I'm just...angry and frustrated at religious people. I sometimes wonder if some day I'll go back to it. Today was one of those defining moments, where you realize who you've become, where you accept who you are. Where you have peace about your decisions. So thank you, random facebook/religious extremist. For helping me realize I'm right where I want to be.

Day 113: Cookies

When I think of her now... the first think I hear is "That's the way the cookie crumbles".

She was beyond words.

My heart will never be quite whole without her. If there was a heaven, she'd absolutely deserve to be there. And as it is, her memory lives on in my heart and the hearts of my babies. One year is to long, gramma. I miss you.

Day 112: A very happy birthday wish

When I was about 11 years old, my mom began dating a man named Eric. He has a sister Kristi. Kristi had two small kids, Jordan and Ryan.

Let me just tell you, she was the most obnoxious child I had ever met at the time. I don't really remember why I couldn't stand her, but I really couldn't. As time went on, and Eric and my mom got more serious and eventually married, solidifying my relationship with my cousins.

Throughout the years, I have gotten to be part of watching Jordan grow up. When she was little, I babysat her. When she got older, I enabled her. And when she neared adulthood, she saved me.

When Noah was born, Jordan was right there, every chance she got, or when I needed help the most.

When he wouldn't sleep, she took a turn carrying him around and singing to him.

When I was feeling totally frustrated, she took a turn playing with him.

She made his bottles and changed his diapers, she played with Bri and kept them both entertained so I could breathe.

And when I was lonely, she was there, doing homework in my living room.

And even though life has taken us different directions, she still amazes me and I am so proud of her. She is an amazing, AMAZING mother. She is a great daughter. She is a wonderful cousin. And she had grown up into a beautiful and successful person.

I don't know that Noah and I would have made it through the first year without her.

So with that, I hope that tomorrow she has a fantastic birthday and that all of her birthday wishes come true.

I love you Miss Jordan.

Day 111: Miss/Love

I miss my Cousin.

I love my daughter.

I miss my grandma.

I love sunsets.

Day 110: Yes!

Noah learned to say Yes! and Yea! in the same week!

Before this week, if you asked Noah a question and the answer was yes, he made this weird grunting "huhhhh" news that I can't accurately describe here.

But the last two days - it's been yes.

Very funny, very nice. I like it.

Day 109: Going Back to School

Start Date: May 2, 2011

Program Level: Masters
Program Name Education: Guidance and Counseling (ME)
Concentration None
Minor None
Certificate None

Must take the following in this Section:

EDUC501 - Human Growth and Development 0/3
EDUC505 - The Professional School Counselor 0/3
EDUC507 - Professional Orientation and Ethical Practice 0/3
EDUC515 - Helping Relationships 0/3
EDUC530 - Assessment, Evaluation, and Testing I 0/3
EDUC533 - Assessment, Evaluation, and Testing II 0/3
EDUC535 - Theories of Counseling 0/3
EDUC627 - Group Counseling - Theory and Practice 0/3
EDUC628 - Social and Cultural Diversity Counseling 0/3
EDUC640 - Research Methods in Education 0/3
EDUC645 - Career Counseling and Development 0/3
EDUC655 - Counseling Children, Adolescents, and Teens 0/3

Final Program Requirement 0/12
Must take the following in this Section:

EDUC696 - Practicum 0/6
EDUC699 - Internship 0/6

Day 108: Beaten

Beaten down, ready to give in.
So tired of trying and trying to win.

I give up, I'm done
This life is no fun.

Nothing I do turns out right.
Why bother to continue the fight.

Drowning. Drowning. This is it.

Day 107: Shoot me now!

I took my last drink of water at 11:59pm last night. And chain smoked like there would be no today. Then went to sleep.

I woke up this morning, mentally prepared..I thought.

But I smoke this morning anyways. Because I'm a rebel like that.

Anyways, I got to the doctor's office at 10:30 and was taken back pretty quick. I flirted with the anesthesia guy...or he flirted with me. It was this bizarre conversation about raccoon suits, intravenous pick-up lines and the like. He knew I was very nervous and was very good to me.

So Doc came in and talked to me, then I was on my way. I got into the room and the guy told me whatever I go to sleep thinking about, I'll wake up thinking about. And with that - the process began. I focused all my energy on thinking about how funny Noah is and was out.

I woke up and instantly thought - omg ill never have another little noah inside of my belly. And started crying. I freaked everyone in the room out, but couldn't control it. I continued to cry, for the next hour. But at some point, I quit crying about never feeling a baby kick and start crying about the excruciatingly horrible cramping that hurt so bad I wanted to scream.

Tammy came and got me and brought me home. She offered to take Noah for the night for me, but Bri is already staying the night at a friend's house and I couldn't bare the thought of being kid-less today, so I brought him home with me.

Here is the before and after picture of my Fallopian Tubes...as if you really wanted to see that. But I think it's interesting, the coils in there.

And here is what is keeping me from actually ripping my guts out. Because omg it stills hurts. But I'm guessing this is taking the edge off.

When I got home I got Noah's pillows and blankets and turned on some cartoons and got into bed. Noah climbed up in bed with me and we snuggled until I fell asleep. I woke up about an hour and half later, when Preston called to let me know he was almost here to drop off my prescription of my pain pills. I looked around and didn't see know and instantly got worried. I ran out to grab my bottle from Preston and came back in to find Noah. I looked around, no damage done. Came back in my room and bam. There is was...fast asleep on my floor at the foot of my bed.

He found the sharpies I had hidden under my bed last night and colored all over his hands and head and didn't even put it down before he fell asleep.

When he woke up we ate a cupcake, played in my bed for a while, watched Cars, ate dinner, then went in his room for bed time games and story time. He's fast asleep now and it's very quiet in here. I've still got some seriously horrible cramping going on and I'm still feeling sad and like...I lost something. It hurts if I stand up or moved. But I know tomorrow will be way better. And it's done. No use crying now. I think.