Me too.
But anyways. Today, something happened to me. I was talking to this guy about my frustrations with Noah. So here's how the conversation went:
Him: So what are you doing now?
Me: Just picked up Bri, now going to get the evil one ;)
Him: He's not evil, he just needs more male influence, guy time, that you can't give to him.
Me: Uhh...fair enough, but that's not going to fix him, nothing is going to fix him. After yesterday, I'm feeling a bit defeated.
Him: Well, that's your problem, stop trying to fix him and just enjoy him.
Me: Umm...I don't try to fix him, I try to survive him. When you've been bitten so hard you bleed profusely, when you've had a screw driver thrown at your head, when you've had your nose almost broken four different times...you let me know how to enjoy it exactly.
And for the first time, I had this weird...empathy wash over me. For parents that struggle with kids that look normal but aren't. Because you see, if you go to a grocery store and you see a kid with Down's or CP or MR...well you know. When they act out, you give the parents a sympathetic glance and nod and carry on your way. But when you see precious adorable little Noah in the grocery store, you don't think anything...until you try to talk to him and he tries to frikkin bite you, or growls at you, or looks right at you and says "I'll punch you". Then you look at the parent and wonder what the hell is wrong with them.
This has become my life. I have become that parent. The one that falls into bed at night and cries, the one that you look at disapprovingly in the grocery store, the one that can't go out to restaurants or the mall.
I've become a parent to a child that I am certain has Autism with Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
I'm so tired, and I feel guilty all the time. Why is he so angry? Why is he so violent? Why does he try to physically hurt us? Why does he say no to everything and scream that ear piercing scream? Why does he refuse to sleep? Why does he hate strangers, and friends and walmart cashiers? Why, why why?
I blame myself, though I can never quite figure out what for. I'm tired. I love that boy...but I'm tired.
SO anyways, here's some information on ODD, in case you are interested.
A day with a child who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime. Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re easily annoyed and frustrated by other people, resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with other kids. They blame everyone else for their difficulties and make excuses for their inability to cope.
As a parent, you can’t satisfy a child with ODD, since their thinking is irrational. They clamor for your attention and then tell you to leave them alone. The sad truth is, kids with ODD aren’t very likeable. Parents often feel guilty about the fact that they love their kids, but don’t like being around them.
Parents get blamed for their child’s oppositional behavior and tend to heap even more blame on themselves. The parent of a child with ODD often feels incompetent and isolated. They live with the self-imposed shame that other people think they’re bad parents, and that humiliation grows larger as their world gets smaller. Left untreated, Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead to Conduct Disorder, a more serious pathology that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality.
The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fourth Edition (DSM IV), defines oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) as a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that persists for at least 6 months. Behaviors included in the definition include the following: losing one's temper; arguing with adults; actively defying requests; refusing to follow rules; deliberately annoying other people; blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior; and being touchy, easily annoyed or angered, resentful, spiteful, or vindictive.
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